Have you ever been outside tending to the little nook of sanity in a crazy, cold world you call your bed of tulips and then the neighbor's recalcitrant kids came running through it with their overpriced sneakers that your kids can't afford because you married for love and a '68 Mustang instead of projected financial worth so you spend every night dreaming the “fiscal cliff” wasn't some made up corporate bargaining tool so you could jump off of it and end the miserable existence you call your life? Do they have a cat, too? Have you ever wanted to burn their fucking house down? Here's how you can tell if you have to worry about one of them doing the same.

1. Mama bear is on “the juice.”

Remember what Lance Armstrong did to us? The hell he put us through? The lying? He tricked us and we were all fooled. Riding a bike isn't a sport. He was also reportedly on some banned substances, too, resulting in him statistically having the same winning percentage at the Tour de France as…well…me.

It may be true that whoever smelt it, dealt it, but it is conversely true that whoever couldn't have smelt it, probably axed his entire family into a million pieces. One of the substances Lance was allegedly taking is testosterone. He could have easily obtained a prescription for synthetic testosterone after his testicle had been removed to return the concentration of testosterone in his blood to normal levels, but excess testosterone undoubtedly can enhance performance. However, when excess testosterone is introduced during fetal development (personhood), as found by the University of Cambridge, the result can be the hypermasculinization of a child's brain, manifesting itself through certain disorders, including psychopathy. This masculinization can result in the child being more prone to risk-taking behaviors, impulsivity, murdering your face, and being really psyched about Affliction t-shirts.

2. They don't cry when you blare Jackson Browne's “Tender is The Night.”

Most of what Cosmo tries to teach you about recognizing sociopathy in potential boyfriends is pseudoscientific bullshit and probably has a bunch of gross vagina stuff in it. But one thing I've consistently found in the articles between stories of cheating and micropenis economics is that Cosmo has consistently been correct about linking blunted emotion with psychopathy. Emotional and cognitive developments likely stem from damage in the amygdala, a brain structure important in emotional processing, as well as dysfunction of the orbitofrontal cortex, implicated in decision-making and social adaptation, that shares reciprocal connections with the amygdala.

Interestingly enough, the medial orbitofrontal cortex plays an integral role in the way we perceive beauty. Hence, a psychopath's difficulties in the social sphere originate, in a way, in his or her inability to appreciate beauty. What good would it do to a confused, teenage girl full of angst to hear something so enlightening and perceptive when she could learn how to, “Firmly hold the bottom of his shaft in one hand and slowly push it towards the base. (Imagine you're pushing his penis into his body)“?

3. They don't lease anything.

In America we've exalted the corporate executive to the status of the rex justus, the upholder of all things free market, and benevolent, hardworking benefactor of our financial independence. Although these men who steal from the rich (each other) and trickle down the wealth all over the faces of the struggling middle class seem above reproach, there is something disturbing about their moral compasses.

The University of California-Berkley conducted several studies on the rich, finding that they generally trend towards behaving less ethically than their poorer counterparts, as well as harboring less empathy. When the University of St. Gallen in Switzerland compared stockbrokers to psychopaths, stockbrokers actually displayed a higher degree of competitiveness than diagnosed psychopaths and admitted they would engage in harmful behaviors to gain an edge. So maybe we should cut their taxes, if not, they may just cut us.

4. They wake up and don't smell the roses.

It may be true that whoever smelt it, dealt it, but it is conversely true that whoever couldn't have smelt it, probably axed his entire family into a million pieces. At Macquarie University in Australia, researchers found that psychopaths have an impaired sense of smell. What this means for your uncertain neighbor is that when you leave trash in the garage for an extra week, not only are you demonstrating laziness, but you're also testing your neighbor. Whether they come running their mouth or not could determine if your Christmas will suck because secular America is attacking it by making it less holy or your neighbor is attacking you and making you more “hole-y.”

5. They leave surprisingly obvious clues on Facebook.

You'd think most sociopaths would be able to effectively mask their detachment from established social norms, but they are often found perusing through our social networks, leaving obvious signs. So here are five scenarios in which you can quickly realize you're dealing with an internet sociopath:

  1. He posts a picture of a dead hooker….but doesn't check her in at “The Basement.”
  2. She drowned her baby that you didn't even know was hers because she didn't post any fetal development pictures.
  3. He posted a picture of a cat hung on a clothesline—and didn't make a funny meme out of it.
  4. When she murdered a close family member, she posted about it directly, instead of something ambiguous but obviously dire that would prompt a series of comments leading her to reveal what happened.
  5. She clearly isn't nearly concerned enough about the effects of Facebook going public will have on the privacy of information she already posts on a website on which she accepts anyone who offers a friend request.