>>> Text-Heavy
By staff writer E.E. Southerby
Volume 42 – July 27, 2003

Now Playing: “She Will Have Her Way” by Neil Finn

-I got a brand new box of crayons a couple of days ago (I was bored, shut up). I love them. Here's my problem: Too many colors. Who the hell needs this many shades of white? And who's the genius who comes up with the names for crayons? What the hell is ‘pecan', anyway? Isn't that some kind of food? I have one white crayon called ‘snowflake' and another white crayon called ‘igloo'. Hey, you know what igloos are made out of? Snowflakes. Lots and lots of snowflakes. That's not the point of this week's column, mind you. I just had to let that out.

-The other day I was sitting around feeling bored, doing whatever it is I normally do when I'm not writing this newsletter. Then I decided to put away the sliced peaches and the yo-yo and call some friends, you know, to “hang out”. Unfortunately, all of my friends were off having raunchy sex with their girlfriends that I frankly don't even want to think about, so I was left all by my lonesome. I sat around my house, bored out of my skull, for hours. Then I came up with this great idea that should exist, but as far as I know does not: The Friend Hooker.

-Here's how the Friend Hooker would work: If you ever found yourself in the position I described in the previous inappropriate paragraph, you could call up the Friend Hooker service and for a very nominal fee, say $30 an hour, they would send over someone who matches your description to be your friend for the day. Now, I want to stress that this is a purely platonic relationship I'm talking about here. They might even send over someone of the same gender. Who knows? The Friend Hooker would show up in jeans and a hoodie, just to make sure the client doesn't get the wrong idea. Of course, just like your other escort agencies, Friend Hookers would offer a list of “extras” a la carte to some of their more discriminating clientele. Say, $5 a hug?

-Friend Hookers don't have to be attractive people. Hell, most of my real friends are nothing to write home about (I don't like to hang around people more attractive than myself). Unlike the whole prostitution thing, where your income is directly related to how good you look, the Friend Hookers who will make the most money are those with the most winning smiles and sparkling personalities. They say beauty is only skin deep, but really, when you think about it, that's the only part you can see, so that's the only part that actually counts. I think the motto for the Friend Hookers should be “You don't need to be a looker to be a Friend Hooker”. It's catchy AND it rhymes. Ok, there's a chance I've been eating too many crayons.

-I think the Friend Hooker agency would be a great service to people like me. Say I wanted to go to a restaurant or a nightclub. There's nothing in the world sadder than hearing the maitre d' call out “Southerby, table for one!” Only total losers go by themselves to those kinds of places, and usually the bouncer spits on you and calls you names like “loner” or “Jew boy”. Damn that bastard. I'll show him who's boss. With a Friend Hooker by my side, nobody will ever make fun of me again.

-The Friend Hooker agency would offer other services as well. Like, for example, you could pay a monthly fee and get your very own Rent-a-Friend to call you and ask how your day was every now and again. Also, they would come see you on your birthday and give you presents for Christmas. Just make sure you don't get too attached, or else the Friend Hooker might start treating you like my REAL friends treat me: Showing up at my door at 2:30 in the morning asking to borrow a rake or something. Who the hell rakes at 2:30 in the morning? What, are they afraid of being attacked by squirrels? Fools.

-I know a lot of you hookers out there are finding my use of the term “hooker” derogatory. The rest of you are probably just tired of me using it so much in one newsletter. It's pretty much lost its shock value by this point, huh? I think that these days, people prefer the terms Escort, Prostitute, Empowered Female, Pleasure Seeker, Temporary Girlfriend or Adult Entertainer. I can't really think of any polite euphemisms for “Friend Hooker”, though. I guess I'll just call them frookers.

-Quote of the Moment: My (real) friend Luke, on why he thinks it's ok to sleep with prostitutes: “I'm not paying them for sex. I'm paying them to leave afterwards.”

-Have you ever been with a group of friends and then wanted to ditch one of them? If you surrounded yourself with frookers you wouldn't need to worry about that sort of thing anymore. Just say “begone” and, like magic, the frooker of your choice takes a hike. They might get eaten by bears, for all you know. You don't have to care, so long as you agree to pay for the whole hour. And if you've never been in the situation I described at the beginning of this strangely worded joke, chances are your friends have at some point tried to ditch you. Think about that.

-Many of you are probably laughing at the frooker concept, dismissing it as juvenile ranting by an immature, lonely sociopath. Well, you're pretty much correct on all counts. I mean, right now it's 4:30 in the morning and I'm sitting here drunk off my tree writing a humor column and hoping nobody steals my rake, because I was planning on using it later for some Wiccan rituals that I won't get into here because they're just too damn scary to even think about. Don't laugh too hard, though. Someday this idea will make me a lot richer than you, and then it'll be my tax dollars that will pay for your welfare cheques. Get a job, you parasite! Unless, of course, you plan on stealing my idea and making money off of it yourself. If this is the case, to you I'd just like to say: My name is E.E. Southerby, and I'd like to place an order.