>>> Text-Heavy
By staff writer E.E. Southerby
Volume 7 – October 26, 2002

I don't cook. I don't eat. I don't clean. I don't work. I don't do my homework or take notes in class. I don't party as hard as everyone else. I don't play sports. I don't work out as often as I should. I don't go to movies or read good books. But every Sunday I make damn sure this column gets out to everybody who wants it. Now, here's what happened:

-Roommates hate each other. I've tried to understand why, and the best I can come up with is: They have incompatible laughs. You can't like a person if you don't like their laugh. Apparently roommates have a tendency to want to stab one another in the chest area each time he or she chuckles. Hitler, for example, had one of the most irritating laughs ever. That's how World War II got started, no matter what those so-called “experts” tell you.

-Besides cooking, the only thing I hate more in the entire world is washing dishes. My roommates are all really lazy, though, and I need plates (everyone needs plates). So I end up washing other people's dishes about 5 times a day. That's not fair. I think the worst dish to wash is a pot. I can't stand washing pots that have only been used to boil water. I ask myself ‘why am I washing this? It was actually cleaner before it was in the sink.' And then I ask myself ‘Why was a pot used to boil water? We own a kettle.'

-I love getting compliments. Everyone does, I guess. But sometimes someone says something that you think is a compliment and later you find out it was an insult. I hate that. Like the other day, someone told me I'm so smart I should go to a special school for smart people. Call me crazy, but I thought university WAS a special school for smart people. Maybe she just needs to be at a special school for dumb people.

-I don't know why I even have a phone. Nobody ever calls me. It's kind of depressing, coming home day after day and seeing zero messages. I guess people have just evolved past telephones. Now all they use is Instant Messenger. When you think about it, that's really a step down from telephones: I can't hear you, you have no way of knowing if I'll reply, and nobody can sense sarcasm over the internet. Come on, people. It's not long distance. Turn off your computer and call me.

-Instant Messenger as a status symbol: If you ever see someone with like a hundred people on their buddy list, don't you ever think “gosh, they're cool. I wish I was that popular.” And if you see somebody with 5 people on it you're like “pfft, what a loser. I can't be friends with them.” Sometimes you put those losers' names on your own buddy list, out of pity. You never talk to them, because you won't associate with someone with so few friends. But hey, one more person to add to your list!

-Yet more fun with IM: I was having a conversation with someone over the internet and it got to the point where I just had to use a cliche, so I typed out: “I say tomato, you say… tomato. But pronounced differently.” See, if we had a phone these sorts of misunderstandings wouldn't happen.

-In case anyone was wondering, I haven't showed my friends at UVic or my roommates this newsletter. They'd either get pissed off that I make fun of them in public, or they'd start laughing their asses off and then I'd have to go invade Poland. Either way it's a bad move on my part.

-My sociopathic tendencies aside, I actually like making friends. One of my friends suggested I try joining some clubs, so I could meet people who share my interests. This, of course, wrongly assumes that I would enjoy the company of people with my common interests. I'll delve into the nature of these clubs next issue, but for now let's just say I haven't made a single friend at any club I've joined. I just have one more place to be in the evenings while nobody tries to call me.

-I see people walking around wearing giant headphones, like they're DJs or something. I'm not talking about regular large headphones, these things look like earmuffs. What the hell is the point of this? Giant headphones are cool now? I see them strutting out in front of moving vehicles bobbing their heads to the beat, and you just KNOW they're listening to the Pocahontas soundtrack under there.

-Speaking of playing in traffic, Victoria has some of the least aggressive drivers in the world. I'm not just talking about the old people, either. I was walking up to a crosswalk, waiting for the little white walky-man to tell me it's ok to go, and this car just stops at a green light to let me cross! Other cars had to slam on their brakes because of this idiot. I was wondering ‘if I go and stand in front of his car, is he just going to sit there patiently, waiting for me to finish crossing, forever?' He broke the stalemate after an hour and a half.

-It's been a bad school year so far for people I know named ‘Rob'. First my friend Rob's grandfather passed away, which was really awful. Then last week my other friend Rob and I were at a club and he was jumping up and down to the music so hard he sprained his ankle. We had to go to the emergency room and everything. Now he's on crutches. Of course, whenever anyone asks I tell them he got hit in traffic while wearing giant headphones. It's just easier that way.

-Now playing: “Young & Sexy” by Lyric featuring Loon. You gotta admire a song named after the two things I'm not.

-I can't get over people who get drunk in their pajamas. It's like they're admitting that there's no chance at all that they'll be going out later. It's really weird. I'm always like “Come on, it's 8:30 in the morning. At least eat breakfast first.”

-Have you ever been walking outside looking through people's windows at random and you just see a naked girl standing there, looking out her window? Completely oblivious to the fact that people can see her? I have. It made me happy. Welcome to the University of Victoria Residences/Nudist Colony.

-I'm always joking. I'll say weird things, but I know I'm not being serious. I treat other people the same way, and expect nothing less. So when a guy and a girl came over to my house and told me they were going to my bedroom to have sex, I just sat back and laughed and kept watching the tv, confident that they were jesters like me. 2 used condoms in my room proved me wrong. Those jerks can burn in hell, after they buy me a new set of bedsheets.

-It's the weekend before Halloween. It's not Halloween. Halloween's next Thursday. So WHY THE HELL IS EVERYBODY GETTING DRESSED UP IN COSTUME TO GO OUT DRINKING TONIGHT? Does anybody realize how stupid this is? No! They're already too drunk.

-I think costumes are getting sadder. By the time people hit university, they're too old to go trick or treating or even go to a costume party, but they don't really want to give up the tradition. So the girls put on a kerchief and cowboy hat and the guys all wear overalls and put toothpicks in their mouths. That's their whole costume. (In case you were wondering, we're supposed to be students from the University of Alabama.) I think we should just give up the charade and go out in our pajamas, the way God intended.

-Some genius decided to buy 8,000 yards of fake spiderwebs to “decorate” the dorms for Halloween. Great. As if the halls weren't already dirty enough. Also, there's kind of a bug problem in the dorms. So now it's impossible to tell the fake spiderwebs apart from the real ones. Now there's beer bottles, vomit, empty bags of Doritos AND fake spiderwebs littered through the hallway. This isn't a haunted house, people. This is a welfare house. I swear the domiciles in Sarajevo are cleaner than this.

-Turns out Victoria has made the sale and use of fireworks illegal, except on holidays (like Halloween). So the week before Halloween everyone ran to the stores and bought as many fireworks as they could afford after they spent all their money on beer and fake spiderwebs. But it was still illegal to set off the fireworks until the 31st of October. Being rebellious, we set one off anyway. Then we ran like schoolgirls on that time of the month, afraid that the police were going to rush to the scene and throw us in jail. I'm not usually a proud person, but this was without a doubt the most pathetic thing I've ever done. It's probably a good thing I ran, though. I didn't want to go to jail in my pajamas.

-Quote of the moment: Overheard in math class, by some jackass whose name I didn't bother to learn: “I hate cheating on a test and then finding out the person I was cheating off was stupid. Stupid people really piss me off.” He and I have something in common, and it's not cheating on tests.

-Today was daylight savings time. I did what I always do on daylight savings time. I stayed up until 2 in the morning, then set the clocks in my house back to 1 in the morning. Then 2 in the morning came again and I had to do it over and over and over again.

-And, finally, if you're looking for some fun this Halloween, don't go to a party. Don't go trick-or-treating. Don't sit around drinking and whining about how lame this holiday is and how the floors are full of fake spiderwebbing. Just give the kiddies ketchup packets and ice cubes when they ring your doorbell looking for candy. If you live in a liberal neighbourhood and you've got money to burn, try adding cigarettes and baggies of weed into the mix. Instant fun! Don't mention my name.