Dear Fugly,

My BF is nice most of the time, but lately he's been going into his "cave." The "cave" is described in Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus as a place men retreat to so they can feel like a "me" instead of part of a "we."

I'm sure your brain has decayed from licking too many hallucinogenic toad bellies and you have no idea what I'm talking about, so let's just make things easy on you, and say: my boyfriend is withdrawing. What should I do?

Hysterical sobs,

Dear Nancy,

Fugly recently put on a ski mask, fellated the Comcast man and got something called "cable" put onto the moving picture box. With this "cable" Fugly viewed the most wonderful moving picture on TBS called Misery. It's about a big-boned temptress with a zest for literature and torture (just like Fugly!). She too is involved with a man who's "withdrawing," so she ties him to the bed and breaks his feet with a sledgehammer. I'd like to see your boyfriend shimmy into his cave with two broken feet, Nancy. It's impossible! To save your relationship, Nancy, tie that sullen bastard to the bed and break whatever bones necessary to keep him there.


Hey Fugs,

KKK man and black woman waving togetherI'm engaged to a lovely young woman, everything is going splendidly between us, but now it's time for the in-laws to meet. Her parents are nice enough, but Fugly, mine are a couple of lunatics. My father wears a KKK smock, carries a rifle, and my mother is black! She's a tribeswoman from Zimbabwe who never really assimilated into American culture, so her breasts are always exposed, she always has a basket on her head, and she doesn't know her husband's a white supremacist. Fugly, do you have any advice on how to make this meeting go smoothly?

Chris Parks

Dear Chris,

Mmm, the thought of native ebony jugs has made Fugly's fur burger all tingly. Fugly had a similar situation with Fugly's late fiancé, Charles. Charles' parents had no idea that Fugly's father was a silverback gorilla who escaped from the oppressive regime of the San Diego Zoo in 1733. They came for dinner one night and Father Slut pelted them with mangos, then beat on his chest. He was just playing a fun little game, but Charles' parents were terrified and forbid Chuck from marrying into the Slut family. So, Chris, learn from my tale of woe and tell the future in-laws your parents died in a hideous D&D incident.


Dearest Fugalicious,

Why does it seem like everyone in their twenties is having a blast? Look at those bitches on The Hills, they're just living it up! Fugly, my life is nothing like The Hills; I'm broke, bored, manless, friendless, and living with my effing mother. Fugly, what were you doing in your twenties?


Dear Cathleen,

Fugly spent her early twenties fighting for the mighty South in the Civil War. Fugly remembers when she left for combat, all the gentleman farmers were kissing their wives goodbye, just like that scene from Gone With The Wind. Fugly was single, so she just gave the goat a reassuring pat before hopping aboard her donkey and galloping off into the sunset. When those rotten Yankee bastards beat us in 1865, Fugly became a can-can dancer, but for some reason everyone wanted Fugly to keep her skirt down, especially after the brute force of Fugly's swinging clitoris knocked a customer unconscious.