>>> The News: JAY KAY!
By staff writer Amir Blumenfeld
January 14, 2004
The real news (for boring people)
The breakdown (for college people)
Driver Ordered to Carry Coffin Photo
BUTLER, Pa. – A woman who prosecutors say was drunk when she killed a man in a head-on collision must carry a photograph of the teacher in his coffin as part of her five years of probation, a judge ruled.
Sweet Mary Mother of God that's the worst thing ever. Welllll, maybe the SECOND to worst thing ever.
Jennifer Langston pleaded guilty in September to vehicular homicide, reckless endangerment and reckless driving.
Pardon my ignorance, but isn't vehicular homicide when you kill a car? Something is amiss in our court system and I think I know what it is: Donald Rumsfeld.
Prosecutors said Langston was drunk and talking on a cell phone in 2002 when she crossed the center line and hit a pickup truck carrying Glenn Clark and his pregnant wife, Annette. He died, his wife remains in a coma and their son, born by Caesarean section five months after the crash, is being raised by relatives.
Oh my god. Caesarean section is spelled like that!?!? You think it has to do with Julius Caesar? I bet it does. It has to!
A judge sentenced Langston to 30 days in jail, plus house arrest and probation, and ordered her to carry a picture of Glenn Clark.
What's worse is that Langston also has to masturbate to that picture every month, on the month. Simply unfair. What defines masturbation? Is it the orgasm or the effort? Ask Nicole.
But when Clark's mother provided the photo of Clark in a casket, Langston, 27, objected. Her attorney said the “spirit of the agreement” was that the photo be of Clark when he was alive.
Yeah I mean, its only fair to have a live picture of Clark, otherwise she would be constantly reminded of how she killed somebody! The only thing dead here, is Logic! And Clark.
“This makes no sense to me. Requiring Jennifer to carry a picture like that defeats the whole purpose if the purpose is to look and remember,” said Langston's attorney, Michael Sherman. “Who in their right mind will look at such a picture?”
Yeah, one would have to be crazy to look at such a picture. No normal person who drives drunk while talking on the cell phone would look at such a picture!
Butler County Judge George Hancher ruled Tuesday that Langston would have to carry the coffin photo.
Whatever happened to Jail? Whatever happened to Common Sense?! Has he also been killed in a drunk driving accident?! I MEAN MY GOD WHY!
Clark's mother, Rosellen Moller, has been unapologetic.
This is what they call in journalism school as the “kicker.” A short sentence that really brings it home. Congrats Associated Press. You're a better man than me!