>>> About Last Night…
By staff writer Ali Wisch
July 6, 2005

You may be thinking, why would I ever need to “Lady-Proof” my room and what exactly does this entail? This is a simple question that can be answered with another simple question: has a girl ever gone through your shit? And the answer is, “Yes, most definitely.” Be it your mom, grandmother, sister, girlfriend, or girl that you’ve been hooking up with, I can guarantee that one, if not all of these women, has gone through your shit. You may also be wondering why I, a girl, am about to tell you what to do so that a females won’t find anything when rummaging through your belongings like a hyena fighting for the last piece of meat off of a zebra. The answer to that would be, plainly, we don’t usually like what we find.

Whenever a girl is going through her boyfriend’s shit she never goes back to her friend’s house and says, “Hey guess what I found? Johnny wrote the sweetest love poem about me in his journal.” It’s more along the lines of, “I found this love poem in Johnny’s drawer…but it was titled, ‘To Johnny, Love Amber…'” This being one example of things we do not want to find. So to protect you from some angry females and to protect my fellow gender from spending the rest of her college career searching for Amber’s Facebook profile and AIM name, I am going to give you a few tips on how to lady-proof your room.

“Pictures must contain absolutely no PDA, meaning the one of you at the beach with her foot in the lower left-hand corner is still safe.”

We will begin with the picture factor. Pictures of the ex will do nothing but A) Bring back memories that will not change the fact that they are, in fact, your ex; and B) Worry/piss off/bother any new prospects. Pictures can be classified into a few categories: those in plain view, those not in plain view, and those that help comprise shrines. Pictures that are not in plain view you honestly shouldn’t have to worry about. Unfortunately, we live in a deceitful society so I’m going to have to tell you: if you want to hold on to pictures of past loves, you better keep those somewhere that your new girlfriend isn’t going to accidentally run into when she’s grabbing a pen, tissue, pair of socks, or just plain looking through your shit. A sealed envelope labeled “Family Shit” should do the trick. Trust me, family shit is not what they are looking for.

Pictures that are in plain view are only acceptable in a few situations: if they are part of a collage that your mom made you when you graduated high school, if both you and her are standing in a group of people, and lastly if there is absolutely no PDA, meaning that picture of you at the beach with her foot in the lower left-hand corner is still safe. Otherwise you can throw them in the envelope because they will stir up trouble. When it comes to shrines it could be anything from a framed picture of her on your bedside table to a multiple-picture frame hanging above your desk displaying everything from the day you met to a picture of you two “under the covers.” If you have any of these things I have described, you're basically telling your new woman that, “I’m not over my ex and I have no problem rubbing it in your face that I’m sleeping with you, but still thinking about her.” Get ‘em down fellas.

Next there are old letters, postcards, post-its, whatever; those should not be displayed either and can go right into the envelope with the pics. Then there is the whole silent-but-deadly category. This category includes things you would never think to be careful of, but that girls watch for like hawks. Example one: condom packs. If you haven't had sex with your new woman yet, and the first time you do you take the last condom out of a 3-pack, it doesn’t matter if you haven’t gotten laid since Michael Jackson first started taking little boys back to the ranch, she will spend every moment from the penetration to the finale wondering who you used the other two with. Example two: hair paraphernalia, including, but not limited to, hair bands, clips, bobby-pins, and scrunchies (hopefully not because they are helplessly outdated). These fuckers are sneaky because while guys will easily overlook them, girls would notice them even if they were inside a sock under an entire pile of dirty laundry.

I know this all sounds a bit dramatic, but since you guys are always complaining about how we are so damn complicated, maybe now you'll do a little less wondering next time your girl is so bitchy one night for no reason (hint: she’s sick of waking up to the 8×10 of your ex-girlfriend’s face every morning). So search and destroy gentlemen, the ladies will be pleasantly surprised.