Since people liked some of my collegiate sexual misadventures, I thought I'd write another.
In this blast from the past, I was a young, sexually inexperienced freshman at South Dakota State University.
SCENE: KC's dorm room on a Sunday. It's about 11 a.m. KC awakens. Nathan, KC's freshman year roommate, is nowhere to be found — because he went home every single weekend because he missed his mommy and didn't know how to do laundry.
KC: Dude, I've got to pee.
KC walks down the hall to the community bathroom. KC starts to urinate.
KC (singing): I'm peeing out all the Natty Light,
The Natty that I drank last night.
I'm the coolest kid in the whole damn hood.
And the ladies all love me, oh so good.
(Now talking.) Hmm. Have I always had that spot on my dick? Maybe it's just grape jelly. Sometimes I like to eat when I'm drunk. But I only eat orange marmalade. This is very odd.
GUY TAKING A DUMP: Can you shut the fuck up!?! I'm trying to shit here!
KC: This could be serious. C'mon dick. Hurry up peeing.
KC finishes tinkling and runs down the hall to his friend KRAFT's room. Kraft is playing video games. Kraft's roommate passive aggressively tries listening to Backstreet Boys on his computer.
KRAFT: Hey there Nature Boy.
KC: Dude, I need to talk to you.
KRAFT: So talk. I'm about to kill this ninja monster.
KC: You know how you're like, experienced and stuff.
KRAFT: Yeah, I'm pretty much the baddest ass Level 10 wizard/warrior in the whole state.
KC: No, with chicks. Which I still don't understand.
KRAFT: Oh, poor baby KC is having trouble with chicks? Again?
KC: Not really. Can you get him (motions to Roommate) out of here? This is serious.
KRAFT (yelling): Dickshit! Get the fuck out of here! (Dickshit leaves, passive aggressively.). So what's up?
KC: Dude. There's a giant red spot on my dick. And it's not grape jelly.
Kraft bursts out laughing.
KC: This isn't funny you fucking cocksucker! My sexual life could be over!
KRAFT: What sex life? The handful of handies you coerce out of that sloppy seconds big tittied girl?
KC: Well, it could be the end of my awesome up-and-coming sex life! There's a fucking spot on my dick!
KRAFT: Please don't show me. Again. You'll blind me and I really want to kill this monster after you're done talking.
KC: No dude. I need to know what to do. Should I go to the hospital or some sort of counselor? Or should I just shoot myself?
KRAFT: Settle down.
KC: Settle down? Fuck you! You're not the one with Hepasyphilis! Or maybe gangrene. FUCK!
KRAFT: Take a breath. There's an explanation.
KC: Yeah, I had one drunken night of sex with some Brazilian chick and now I have some uncurable dick disease. Wait, did a while ago you said I already showed you my dick?
KRAFT: You really don't remember last night do you?
KC: Dude, only girls remember Saturdays.
KRAFT: Well, pretty much everybody else remembers you from last night.
KC: Okay. Why?
KRAFT: Fine. I'll just pause my game so I can get you to shut up. You got shitfaced last night after the swim meet. (Kraft and I swam together).
KRAFT: Then you thought it would be fun to pee in the gutters. So you climbed on top of the Swim Team House and took a leak into the gutters. Then you thought it would be hardcore to drink on the roof. So you started doing that.
KC: Yeah, I'm really fucking hardcore.
KRAFT: Yeah, whatever. So you came down, took some shots and then brought up a bunch of beers on top of the roof. You started catcalling every girl that walked by and commenting on how gay every dude looked.
KC: This still doesn't explain why I've got a spotted dong.
KRAFT: Then you thought drinking naked on the roof would be even more hardcore.
KC: The funny thing is, I don't even like heights.
KRAFT: Do you want me to continue?
KRAFT: So you run out of beer and insults. You beg somebody to throw a beer up to you. Somebody tossed one and you almost fall headfirst off the roof. We were worried you were going to kill yourself by accident, so we lied and told you the cops were coming. You threw your clothes on and slid down the ladder.
KC: And then I fucked some nasty chick?
KRAFT: Not even close.
KC: So what the fuck?
KRAFT: Apparently you weren't wearing underwear.
KC: So what? And?
KRAFT: You zipped your dinky in your zipper. You were in horrible pain when you finally realized. Then you ran around showing everybody the blood blister on your dick. Which is where you got that mark. Now fuck off so I can play video games.
KC: Seriously? I'm going to be able to have sex again?
KRAFT: Probably not with anybody.