From time to time throughout my travels, I find time to engage in catch-up chats with my scattered Tulane brethren across the world. Like most persons separated by a cosmic game of “52 Pickup (the scattered pieces of your life-Edition),” I find these conversations essential to maintaining friendships and peace of mind. So why did this weekend’s conversation(s) trouble me so? Well, it’s because my “keg of humanitarian faith” was tapped by sexually frustrated women. (Yeah, I didn’t think those two words preceded women under 30 – but we learn something important every day, right?) I’d like to take this time to share my concerns.

Now, when I mention “sexually-frustrated,” I’m not talking “applied physics can be a bitch”-type frustrating. My mind begins to boggle because this “frustration” involves the inability of these women to find someone to sleep with. Now, I know what you’re thinking, to which I respond even if they required paperbags and hypnosis just to masturbate, women can still find willing guys (or girls) because it’s college! All I’m saying is that while I’ve never seen a person swallow their own head, I know men who have shagged their share of humpback whales for non-humanitarian purposes. The women who presented this tragic state of affairs most certainly did not qualify as endangered wildlife. Therefore, it has come to this journalist’s attention that our country needs a State of the Vagina Address. As PIC’s unofficial reproductive analyst, I feel it is my duty to address the state of “gettin’ booty:”

My Fellow Americans,

Today our nation faces numerous obstacles on a variety of important issues. The American people have a history of rising to face such adversities, and today I ask that we do so once more. Across our great nation there appears to be great gaps left unfulfilled. Great reproductive gaps that only our nation’s most dedicated student bodies can fill. As citizens we must come together, if we as a people are going to come at all. Because if moderately to extremely hot women go undersexed, the terrorists win. On behalf of all men (and lesbians, but only the ones who share) I ask that we heed the call of vaginas everywhere. For I believe it was John F. Kennedy who once slept with a bunch of hot women and then said, “Ask not what your country can do for you, but who needs to be done for your country.” Thank you, and God bless.

Sometimes, I can be so sentimental.