I don't like to talk about it very much, but I'm a bit of a psychic. And I've decided that bringing weekly horoscopes is going to be sort of my thing, the way Nate's is remember random hilarious conversation, or Roxy's is wry introspective humor, or Gaudio's is being an easy target for jokes. Enjoy!

I feel compelled to point out here that I realize satirical horoscoping isn't exactly Gaudio-sex new (See! I told you it was easy!). And of course I read the Onion, so the parallels aren't lost on me. If it makes you feel better, think of it as an homage. It'll only be once a week anyway, and I'll (hopefully) be posting several times a week.

Capricorn (December 21-January 20): You will go 5 1/3 innings after being called up for a spot start by the New York Yankees.

Aquarius (January 21-February 19): The events of next Thursday will teach you the important distinction between saying, “I love children” and “I love seven-year olds”

Pisces (February 20-March 20): Although you think your son’s budding “puppy love” adorable, you do wish he would take a break to let the poor dog eat.

Aeries (March 21-April 20): You should take great pains to avoid any and all – Holy shit! Did you hear Paris Hilton is going to jail?

Taurus (April 21-May 21): Avoid Jane E. Marshall, a certified public accountant and tennis enthusiast from Tacoma, Washington.* She’ll know why.

Gemini (May 22-June 21): Your personal philosophy of “fight fire with fire” will lead to your quick dismissal as a volunteer firefighter.

Cancer (June 22-July 21): You will find a working time machine this Friday. Unfortunately, it will be made of cardboard and will only go forward at normal speed.

Leo (July 22-August 20): You will end up red-faced and slightly disappointed after you visit Mexico and you find out what “cockfighting” actually entails.

Virgo (August 21-September 20): Two mice fell into a bucket of cream. The first mouse didn’t struggle at all and drowned immediately. The second mouse kept trying and trying and churning and churning his little legs, until he churned that cream into butter and walked out. Tuesday, you will be that first mouse. Insofar as you will drown in a bucket of cream.

Libra (September 21-October 21): Seriously. Paris Hilton is like, totally going to jail. Oh, and one of your family members is going to have a fatal accident. Bummer.

Scorpio (October 22-November 20): Fate hates to break it to you, but falling asleep on a park bench with a stale glazed donut doesn’t exactly constitute visiting a “rustic bed and breakfast”.

Sagittarius (November 21-December 20): Years of teasing and abuse at the hands of cruel peers will finally be worth it when you get into the Guinness Book of World Records for having the largest coffin in history.

*Name, location, job description, and hobby have been changed

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