Some raging crazy kid: Excuse me sir. Could I please have a cigarette from you?
Me: Sure. A cigarette, a beer, a mineral water, my television. Anything that will calm you the fuck down.

Me: Can I ask you a personal question?
Crazy Kid: Sure.
Me: What's your name?
Kid: Josh.

Me: I can't believe you called the cops.
Josh: Well what would you have done?
Me: I'da been worse.

Me: You know, all your stories about being overseas really make me feel better about the war effort.
Josh: Why is it, every time I tell you something you respond oppositely from everyone else?
Me: I'm gifted.

Me: Dude, that is the loudest ringer I've ever heard in my life. What the fuck?
Josh: I have artillery ear. Can't hear too well.
Me: You're telling me that the world is so far gone that there's a niche market in the telecommunications industry for people who blasted out their ear drums.
Josh: Basically…

Me: I need you to do something for me.
Josh: Okay. What?
Me: Tell me what to do.
Josh: Sounds like a fun job.

Me: Basically, every Thanksgiving I get as wasted as I can.
Tim: So on our nation's day of thanks, you get smashed and waste the day. What do you do on Arbor Day, burn a landfill? You're a weird guy, Nate, with your Arbor Day trash burn.
Me: This fucking guy…

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