Random Chick in Hallway: Hey, are you a teacher?
Me: No.
Random Chick in Hallway: Are you a student?
Me: No, I'm just here to guest teach.
Random Chick in Hallway: You're really hot.
Me: Thanks. Thanks a lot.

Officer: You don't have an ID on.
Me: True.
Officer: What are you doing here?
Me: I'm a guest teacher.
Officer: You still need to have ID.
Me: Am I in trouble?
Officer: Give me your driver's license and wait here.

Me: Okay, before I begin speaking about investments, I want you to know that I'm not a teacher, so please bear with me if I talk too fast or forget to answer one of your questions.
Fontane: You'll be aw'ight.
Me: How can you be so sure of that, Fontane?
Fontane: Some folks, you can just tell.
Me: Cool.

Me: All right, do any of you have any specific questions you want me to address?
Michael: You a sports guy?
Me: I follow sports.
David: You finish your tourney bracket, yet?
Me: Yup.
Michael: Who you got in the championship?
Me: Kansas and? I forget the other one.
Michael: Kansas is the best all-around team.
Me: True, they can show lots of schemes on offense and defense. Other teams don't have that kind of diversity. But I think we're a little off topic here.
Michael: My bad.

Officer: Here's your license. You don't have any warrants out for your arrest and you've never been accused of abusing children. But you probably knew that.
Me: It's still nice to hear it confirmed, you know?
Officer: What?

Michael: So, did you get a degree in Business or Finance?
Me: Neither. I got my degree in Creative Writing.
David: But your boss, he got his degree in business, right?
Me: Nope. He got his degree in Meteorology.
Michael: So it's true what they say. It really doesn't matter what you get your degree in.
Me: That's why they invented the Communication major.
Michael: Huh?

Me: I want to thank you guys for listening to me. I hope you found this beneficial.
Stacy: So like, do you have to go to work, now?
Me: Yup.
Stacy: Wow, that sucks.
Me: Stay in school, kids. For as long as you can.

Katy: You have a nice smile.
Me: Thanks.
Katy: A nice butt, too.
Me: Now, do you really think that's appropriate?
Katy: Class hasn't started yet.

Lizzie: How were the kids?
Me: You know, I never realized how many high school kids spend their time between class making out and groping one another.
Lizzie: I just don't trust you in that environment.
Me: Why not?
Lizzie: Please. You, surrounded by a bunch of cute, not-legal girls. What's to stop you?
Me: How about my personal self-respect or the fact that I was raised right?
Lizzie: You are so full of shit.
Me: Okay, how about the 10 to 25 years I could get in jail as a result?
Lizzie: Well, I guess it's okay as long as someone's keeping you honest.
Me: I don't appreciate your faith in me.
Lizzie: That's because I have no faith in you.
Me: Ouch.