Billionaire dressed as royalty with a huge crownDo you ever get the feeling that when the government casually throws around numbers like "$800 billion" and "$410 billion spending plan" that billionaires around the world are getting pissed off? Before 2008, a few billion dollars was almost an unfathomable amount to the average American. Billionaires were like mysterious figures with access to wants and desires people like me didn't even know I had. But now we're getting desensitized to money every day through the news about the crumbling economy. A billion still sounds like a lot, but I think I've finally wrapped my head around it. I could literally picture spending one billion dollars now. Sorry, billionaires, the government stole your thunder. I now know what it feels like to be a billionaire, figuratively speaking.

Whenever someone asks me "What do you do?" I always try to think of the most awkward jobs. The longest-running joke amongst me and my friends (when meeting new people) is that I "run a porn site." That's always an instant conversation killer with women, and a showstopper with dudes. The next thing I'm gonna try though, when I'm out with a bro, and a girl he's trying to hook up with asks me what I do, I'm going to tell her I'm a self-help/dating coach, for guys like [my friend's name]. Then when I sense she's gotten the subtle hint that I've been hired to hang around with him instead of being an actual friend, I'll try to fake cover it up to make it even more awkward. Or, wait, they have a name for that these days don't they? Ahhhh, yes….cock-blocking.

I was watching the Lakers play the Celtics earlier this season and during halftime they were showing highlights of the top 5 Lakers players ever. When Kobe came up, one of the commentators said, "And of course, Kobe Bryant. Enough said." Enough said?? You're a fucking commentator, that's your whole job, to make comments! That would be like if someone called 911 with the worst injury ever and the operator went, "Wow, what can you do?!" and hung up. When a commentator responds to something with "Enough said," he's basically saying either a) "you've done my job better than me, I should be fired," or b) "they're paying me for 3 hours and it's now 1 minute past—fuck you, I'm going home."