This is my 701st blog post. Aren't you proud of me?

This weekend, I learned some things. For example, did you know that in the Seminole Hard Rock Casino here in Tampa they have a store that will sell you your favorite Ben and Jerry's flavors in shake form? In other words, you can order a Cherry Garcia or a Chunky Monkey milkshake! When I found that out, my diet didn't stand a chance. I seriously would have paid ten dollars for this concoction, but it only cost $5.50. I know $5.50 seems like a lot for a shake but well? fuck off. It was the most delicious thing I'd had since Christmas.

Also, apparently my girlfriend is the smartest gambler ever. After losing $19.63 in the slots, she decided to hand her remaining 37 cents to an old man sitting next to us. He looked at her 37 cent slip as if it were a glob of snot colored crap, then handed her a hundred dollar bill. That, ladies and gentlemen, is how you gamble.

Men are fucking stupid. I mean it. I don't know how we ever invented electricity, let alone the nuclear bomb. As Lila and I walked out of the casino?hand in freaking hand, mind you?a redneck in a Volkswagen Jetta with white rims (I can't believe that they manufacture, let alone sell, white rims with any success) pulled up next to her and said, “Get in.”

“Fuck off,” said Lila.

What can I say? She has a way with words.

I wonder what kind of thought process a guy has to have to think that he can just pull up next to a woman, say “get in” and have her actually fucking do it. I mean, if you're Tom Brady or some kind of sex symbol, I guess you could pull it off. But some po-dunk asshole from Lakeland, Florida in a motherfucking Jetta? No way in hell. I mean, I think it's plain as vanilla that dude huffs paint or snorts crystal meth. At any rate, I haven't seen douchebaggery like that for a long time. Kind of entertaining, all in all.

The following morning, I woke up at 3:40 PM. This is both fine and dandy if you happen to be Court Sullivan. However, if you're me, it's just not normal. With each passing year I am becoming more of a morning person. I also wake up rather quickly and begin chatting the hell away (I get this from my mom) usually but was slow moving on Saturday (I blame the shake) so Lila was both shocked and a little dismayed that I wasted the whole day like that.

“Yeah, but what the fuck would I have done with it anyway? It's not like I was gonna write Beethoven's Fifth Symphony or anything.”

“Guess not,” she said.

I like how she had to guess that I wouldn't have spent an afternoon writing a symphony that was already written. She's quick like that.

Anyway, because logic and fluidity are making Ben and Jerry's shakes while huffing paint in a neighbor's garage, I leave you with the following, which a friend of mine named Rick told all of us at The Smoky Pool Hall a few weeks ago:

“If the Giants win the Super Bowl, I will walk in here and personally eat out the ass of the fattest, nastiest chick you can find.”

Ain't seen Rick for a spell?


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