To the dozens of couples making kissy-pies in their Facebook pictures: We get it; you're happy that you've proven your parents and years of evolutionary science wrong by finding somebody that is willing to share fluids with you. Awesome. Feel free to avail yourselves of the relationship status function to inform the world of your nascent love; rest assured that I don't need to see your awkward tongue writhing to believe you.*

“The only time he ever said “I love you”, and really meant it, was when he was masturbating. Then he said it with such urgency and frequency that he felt like he was smothering himself and he needed some space to think.”

Cooking Tip of the Day: To make your meal a little more ridiculous, try whipped cream instead of mayonnaise! To make your sex play a little more nauseating, try strawberries and mayonnaise!

*Unless you're both girls. Then I'm going to need video proof.

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