I'm not a violent person, and I wasn't going to ask Obama to do anything, but I can't keep going without saying something. You've probably seen the following commercial on TV several times. I have. The very first time I saw it, I knew there was no more hope for the human race. My right eye was completely swollen shut due to mononucleosis and sinusitis, and I still cringed. I can't explain how much this commercial makes me want to die and never eat at Subway again. That's how much it affects me. I feel horrible sharing it, but I'm guessing almost everybody's seen it already.
Here's what I'm asking Obama to do. Find the person who thought of this commercial. Find the director. Round up all the actors. Pick up everyone else involved in any way with this commercial. Throw them all in a van and torture them. Bring them to a specially set up torture basement or torture dungeon. Torture them for several days. We're talkin' food deprivation, whips, the works. The more brutal, the better. Yell at them "WHYYYYYYYY?" even though there's duct tape over their mouth and they're probably wondering the same question. Make sure you explain early on in the game that they are being punished for the Subway commercial. Then, however you wanna do it, end all their lives.
But the torture doesn't end here. Make sure they all go to Hell. Make sure the Devil is having a bad day, every day.
One day, come down and tell them they deserve a little treat. Say you bought them all plane tickets to go back to earth for a few days to visit with their family. Make sure they get real excited and look forward to it like nothing before in their lives. Then the next day, come back with your head down and looking away. Tell them you've got bad news. The flights have all been cancelled due to fire and brimstone all around. Ask them for the tickets back that they've been holding onto like precious gold. Shred the tickets in front of their crying faces. Tell them heat has gone down in price, so you'll be crankin' up the heat a little bit (even though they're already surrounded by intense, ever-burning fire).
Here is the video. I'm sorry.
NOTE: I suggest going to the video page and clicking "watch in high quality" right under the video for full effect. Warning: You are going to want to kill yourself, badly.
You've gone too far, Subway.