Gary Sheffield recently stated that the reason that there are less black Americans and more black Latinos in Major League Baseball is because Latinos are easier to boss around than are black Americans. Elijah Dukes hit his wife and threatened to kill her in front of her grade school students. Doc Gooden has been arrested more than five times for more than five different types of crimes (and was once charged with five crimes from one incident). Carl Everett, in addition to being a weirdo and all around spaz, also once stated that he doesn't believe that dinosaurs ever existed. Gary, Doc, Elijah and Carl all play/played baseball in the major leagues and all are/were pretty damn good. But at one point in their lives, they all played for Hillsborough High School here in Tampa, Florida. In other words, one high school not only produced four awesome major leaguers in a twenty five year span, but they also managed to produce four of the shadiest characters this side of the tabloids. Which begs the questions: who the fuck deals the drugs in Hillsborough High and how good are they? I'll bet they're really good.

Paris Hilton recently checked in to jail. I think it's neat that celebrities can check in to jail. I've been in five different jails on six different occasions in my life and never once could my entrance have been referred to as “checking in.” I wonder if she gets a bellhop or not.

My niece and nephew are in town right now on vacation and they are just the cutest things ever. True story.

For the second year in a row, my hometown of St. Louis was chosen as the most dangerous city in America. I find this insulting because not every city gave its figures to the surveys. For example, New Orleans did not release its crime figures for public consumption. Clearly, St. Louis needs a new strategy on crime: don't ask/don't tell. I mean, it worked for gays in the military (didn't it?).

I can't tell if this is cool or not. There's a dude on death row who's about to be executed (in Texas?try to hold back your surprise) and he wants his last words to be a joke so he has asked for people to write in with jokes so that he may pick the funniest one (in his opinion?he doesn't want to get too raunchy because we all know that murderers have class) to use as his last words. Now, I think it's awesome that a murderer would want his last words to be funny, but I mean, can't he use some original material? Dude's been on death row for sixteen years and in all that time he couldn't come up with one joke? What a scrub. Anyway, for Patrick Knight (that's the convicted murderer's name) here is a list of the best ten reasons to spend sixteen years on death row in Livingston, Texas.

10. Kick ass chili con carne.
9. Hot water in the shower.
8. Not every cell is moldy.
7. Top notch medical care provided free of charge.
6. Never having to worry about which shirt to wear.
5. That one guard who looks a little like Jessica Alba. In that she's female.
4. Midnight moans of desperation have an oddly melodic tune.
3. Friday is hotdog night.
2. No one can catch you pulling your pud in solitary confinement.

And the number one reason why anyone would want to spend sixteen years on death row in Livingston, Texas is?

Eventually, if you are lucky, the state will execute you.

(You're welcome, Patrick. I'm here to help.)

And finally, because logic and fluidity passed out in the yard and got their faces scarred by ant bites, I leave you the following, which a tourist asked me at a cafe' in Treasure Island this weekend.

“Do you know where I can get some eggs?”


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