The first time I ever had a one night stand, the woman made me promise that I wouldn't tell her boyfriend.  That was eighteen fucking years ago (I am very old).  The last time I had a one night stand, the woman made me promise not to record any images with my phone.  The more things change the more they… um change, I guess.

My first girlfriend, back when I was fourteen, had insecurity issues and called me daily to make sure I was faithful.  My last girlfriend had pills for that.  The more things change the better the pharmaceuticals get, I guess. 

The first time I broke up with a girl, there was a lot of yelling and tears and broken furniture.  The last time I broke up with a girl, the furniture survived.  Progress. 

When I was fifteen, I woke up with a twenty year old woman and told her how old I was and she freaked the hell out.  A couple of nights ago, I woke up with a twenty-two year old woman and told her how old I was and she freaked out.  The more things change the less I do. 

When I was a kid I had a teacher who told me that women were gonna ruin me.  She made me promise that I would never get married until I had reached my creative potential.  And I've kept that promise.  And anyway, a lot of people get married in their fifties.  Sure, most of them are widows and widowers but whatever.  Creativity first, right?

Did you know Prince Fiedler is a vegetarian?  It's true.  Fat vegetarians make me happy.  They're like jolly skinny people: as rare as they are enjoyable. 

I don't know why I told you that about Prince Fielder but I'm leaving it in. 

Writing makes me happy, not as happy as horny college chicks, but close. 

The first time I was arrested I was fifteen years old.  My mother said a line that night I would hear repeatedly for three years.  I am typing that line now because Mom's comedy chops rarely get displayed on the internet:

"I did not go through nine months without so much as a cup of coffee followed by thirty-six hours of labor so that you could do this to yourself."

That's a line that sticks with a kid. 

Yeah, I miss being twenty-two. 

But there's no way I'll ever be a vegetarian. 

No offence to Prince Fielder. 

Happy Labor Day!

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