I miss you writing dirty things about sex and “The 5 best blowjobs ever.”

You know how, like things get simpler the more you study them? Like how if you follow the stock market for ten years, one day you wake up and it's just a lot easier to understand? Well, for me that something has a lot to do with receiving blowjobs. You see, I recently learned a very obvious lesson that should have been apparent to me years ago: girls who give the best head are girls who simply love giving head. They get off on the control, on turning a man into a quivering lump of orgasmic meat, and they absolutely equate said blowjobs with control. I can't believe I'm just learning this now.

I wonder if Jesus ever got a blowjob.

I wonder if that last sentence earned me a place in hell.

If I have a place in hell, I'll bet it has more to do with my actions from ages 12 ? 25 than it does that sentence. That won't make it any colder there, but at least I can leave in that sentence.

Some women have a major problem with you fucking them or receiving head from them while you simultaneously watch television. And well, with March Madness kicking off, baseball season approaching and the inevitable destruction of our bullshit, cartel-controlled economy (I love watching collapse), it may be tough to pick between sex and the television. Wait, how old am I again? Christ, I need help.

I wonder if Jesus ever went down on a chick.

The guy who invented birth control that simultaneously controls birth and keeps periods from occurring in women should be given a medal the size of a Dairy Queen. The best part about this invention (and there are a lot of great parts: more sex, less bitchiness, more comfort for the female involved and significant saving in the feminine hygiene product cost) is that the woman taking said birth control cannot blame her attitude on being on the rag and instead just has to admit, “Sorry I was a bitch.”

At times, they're all bitches.

Which I believe, is why blowjobs were invented in the first place. They're the perfect apology.

And finally, because logic and fluidity need to gear up for St. Patrick's Day by purchasing green frosting and a bullwhip, I leave you with the following, which I overheard a chick say at Langerado:

“Ten dollar massages. Unless you're really hot, then they're free. If you're fat and ugly, they may be more. Really, I just want to rub a hot guy.”


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