I'm home for break, but was told I would have a new neighbor when I came back. I'm mildly excited because he or she is replacing the guy I've not-so-affectionately nicknamed the NRApist. I'm hoping that the awkward hallway conversations with my new neighbor suck less.
In reality, Murphy's Law decrees that the only person I will ever run into is my perpetually shirtless old creepy neighbor who probably won't move out until I do, and then only for stalking purposes. Conversations with him go approximately like this:
Creeper: Lost?
Me: I'm still in my doorway, which, coincidentally, you're standing right outside of for reasons that are probably a cause for concern. I'm leaving now, have a nice day.
Creeper: Be sure to change in front of your window again tonight.
Me: Be sure to stop ignoring the tip jar on my patio.
Creeper: Want a drink? (creepy wink)
Me: It's pronounced "roofie" not "drink."
Creeper: Didn't hear a "no."
Me: Gross, no.
Creeper: Whatever, I'll see you at 1:37 when you get back from class!
This is how I hope conversations with my new neighbor go:
New Neighbor: Who were you talking to?
Me: The fictional characters that are my imaginary friends.
New Neighbor: Let me guess, one is a talking unicorn?
Me: Yeah, how did you know?
New Neighbor: The debate of whether or not having a horn aided significantly in reducing the aerodynamic drag created by the equine form in flight was a tip off.
Me: Dammit, Moonbeam always talks so loudly. Sorry about that.
New Neighbor: I calculated the maximum possible velocity of a 1500-pound flying horse vs. a 1500-pound flying unicorn… the difference is minimal.
Moonbeam: Huzzah, I am as awkward in flight as a common pony. I'm going to go stab things with my horn now. Farewell, mortals.
New Neighbor: That sounds delightful, may we accompany you?
Moonbeam: T'would be an honor. Also I'm just going to the Cloud of Endless Calorie-Free Waffles. Stabbing people is mean.
Then we all ride off into the sunset. We accidentally skewer my creepy neighbor on our way out but no one cares because he's a douchecanoe.
The end!