As the unofficial Great White Hope in this blog community, I have decided to yet again address the issue of black/white race relations, and try to help white people get along with black people. I know this could be construed as controversial, but I really hate racism and I hate it when white people try to act like every black person is their friend just because they all like Spike Lee or some dumb shit. It’s a fine line (and I have crossed it for worse on a few occasions), but I’m gonna try to walk it for you here, today. As with all cross cultural interactions (men and women, minorities and white people, rugby players and football players, Christians and agonistics, etc., etc.) there are rules of etiquette that need to be followed. The following outlines fourteen important items that all white people need to consider when co-existing with black people. Onto the rules, white boys.

1. Unless you really know the black man in question (and I mean you are best of friends, good teammates or army buddies) do not use the following terms: nigga or brother. The black man will let you know when you’re his brother. You do not let him know. It’s his word. Usually, you can call him your brother if he starts calling you his brother, his cracker or his white boy. You can’t call him nigga unless you’re Eminem.

2. You want to know how to talk to a black man, ask his white, female friends. Women are more intuitive and emotional and typically less judgmental as to issues of skin color. Unfortunately, when it comes to the color green, most women see all too discriminately, but that’s another tale for another day.

3. Don’t be a wigger. They hate that shit. Be confident in your culture. They are confident in theirs.

4. Do not be afraid to talk about issues of race. They’re thinking about it, too. But if you do talk about issues of race, do not generalize. Stick to the issue or issues in question.

5. Everyone, black or white, gets to rip on Michael Jackson. We’re all people on this planet, except Michael. They know that, too.

6. There is such a thing as black rage. It stems from years of the dominate culture questioning their behavior and motivation. Do not be afraid of black rage. It is a necessary part of their culture.

7. Do not call them African Americans to their faces (exception: if the African American has incredibly light skin or is albino, then feel free to use that term. If they confront you about it, just say, “Sorry man, but I got relatives blacker than you.” It’s good for a laugh).

8. Fuck at least one black chick. Trust me on this. All men talk shit about their women. Know a black woman intimately, and you’re in that conversation.

9. Don’t think that black people should like you because you’re into rap, blues or jazz music. White people have been into their music since the first black spiritual was sung in a cotton field. It’s not impressive.

10. You have just as good odds of being accepted by a group of black people as you have odds of being accepted by a group of lawyers. Groups form based on common bonds. Don’t ever expect anyone (black, white or other) to give two fucks about you, especially in a group. What do you care, anyway? What? Are you hypersensitive? People suck. Blacks are people. It ain’t a tricky equation.

11. Recognize this fact and take it to heart: the man who invented artificial plasma (which keeps people alive long enough to get blood transfusions) bled to death on the steps of a white hospital (that wouldn’t admit him). Not that you need to know it, but his name was Charles Brooks.

12. George Bush doesn’t care about black people. I’m sorry, but it’s still funny. (Side note: my buddy Six came in to The Local Pub a few days ago. He hadn’t heard about Kanye West’s comments, and I thought everyone had. So I said that line to him and he responded, “I know that. Why you bringing up dumb shit?” I laughed for half a minute.)

13. Don’t blame your white friends for having racist tendencies. Black folks have them too. Everyone wants their kids to look like they do. This goes back to the beginning of time. I’m sorry, but it’s true.

14. OJ Simpson was guilty. Most black people believe this. He was, however, the first example of a black man getting away with murdering a white person after a trial by jury. The list of white people who have gotten away with murdering black people is so long I couldn’t list it if I tried. That’s why they’re happy for him. He’s the Jackie Robinson of murderers.

So why did I write this list? Because it’s two thousand and fucking five, and people still don’t know this shit. That bothers me. This list was not written by some holier-than-though, liberal champion of lost causes who grew up in the ghetto; it was written by a middle-class capitalist who grew up in a four bedroom house in the suburbs. And if I know the stuff on this list, then you should, too.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go and write a column that demeans women.

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