The other day, somebody gave me a pill and said, "This will help you fuck like a 19-year-old." So I took it and got along banging. Here's the inner monologue of my back-to-teen-years-banging adventure.

Evil Root sex pills from ChinaKC: Hmm. I wonder if this girl really likes me. Maybe she does. Could she maybe be doing this to get back at an ex-boyfriend? I sure hope she likes me.

KC: I wonder when this girl's birthday is?

KC: I really hope she has Limp Bizkit in her CD collection.

KC: I think she's liking this. Maybe she is. Or maybe she isn't. Maybe she is just doing these things to make me feel better. I wonder if I'm thinking about this too much.

KC: The girls in porn make noises like this. Are they acting? Or is she acting like the girls in porn?

KC: Seriously, where is the clitoris? Is that thing even real?

KC: Should I try and go really slow, or just stuff my dong in her and pump as fast as I can?

KC: Wouldn't it be great if all sexual encounters started and finished with oral?

KC: Could I be hurting her? I hope not. That wouldn't be romantic at all. Maybe I should light candles or something.

KC: I really hope this girl likes me. Maybe she'll be my girlfriend. And buy me a watch.

Later, I re-sexed with the same girl, but no pills. I banged as I usually bang, like a 31-year-old.

KC: Wow, that was pretty cool. I'm going to sleep now.