Its that time of your life when all your friends try their hardest to send you to the brink of death only to have you wake up confused and smelling of vomit and urine. Which is fine because that means you're 21 now and you can go to the bars like an average college kid. The scene is somewhat new to you and you need to figure out where you're going to drink and how to schedule classes around that. I'm here to help you figure out which bars are worth your parents hard earned money and which ones are filled with creepy old guys and semi-retired hookers. So here you go, a step by step guide on how to find the perfect bar to kick start your hangover.

Know the Specials
If you're not living off your parents dime like most college students cheap beer/liquor is where its at. There's no reason why you need to spend 4.50 for a bottle of beer when you can get a pitcher someplace else for the same price. I've also noticed that you tend to get a little more drunk when you don't have to take out a mortgage to pay your bar tab, and that's never a bad thing. The only bad thing is that people tend to know about the specials and bars can get crowded. But he,y you're drunk and looking forward to making new friends. You may also have some money left over to get rid of the drunken munchies or to dry clean the shirt you just puked on. Who knows. The night is still young.

Music and Dancing
Bars always are playing some sort of music and a lot of times that music is intolerable. There is a DJ at a local bar here that was so bad that he literally made my ears cry. So you have to find out where and when these jackasses are “performing” and avoid them at all cost. I'm not saying all DJs are bad, just most of them are not good. There are also establishments out there that I swear are funded by the hearing aid people. It seems like their goal is to make everyone deaf and lose their voice from yelling all in one night. But I guess if mind numbing techno music is what your into then by all means get crazy. I prefer to have incoherent drunken conversations that include farfetched hypotheticals, like what if you could get drunk off of water or which superhero has the most useful superpower. I prefer to stay away from karoke nights, because I don't really enjoy when someone completely ruins a song that I liked until I heard their drunken slurring ass holler it into a microphone. Then again if you're that guy then by all means, get crazy.

Dancing is a pretty simple concept at the bars (and I'm not talking about nightclubs). Girls typically like to dance, so if you want to find some ladies, the bar with a good dance floor is probably the best place to find them other than a strip club. Ladies, guys don't like to dance. The only reason they do is in hopes that you don't realize that they have no rhythm and go home with them later. Either way its very likely that at least someone is going to get disappointed, which is why I skip dancing all together and choose to drink.

Location, Location, Location
Obviously you would like to go somewhere near your campus that has very few obstacles on your walk home that could injure you, like bike racks, but that's not always the case if you're in a bigger city. You want to avoid the bars that look like they've been used as a public toilet or have bouncers smaller than you, trust me on this On the other hand you don't want to have to drive 50 miles either…you don't want to get pulled over when you've had one too many jack & cokes especially if you're takin' home the transvestite. So find a pub that you know you can get home from. Its a lot more fun to wake up in your own home then in a back alley cuddling with JoJo the Hobo.

Size & The Staff
There is nothing more annoying than having to wait 30 minutes in between drinks. So you have to notice the size of the establishment and how many people are working to get you drunk. If its a big place and its full, you better hope there is more then just two waitresses and one bartender because you're not getting your drink anytime soon that's like getting only one bite of steak every 5 minutes at a restaurant. Also, there are the assholes who get their drinks at the bar then stand around at the bar for 10 minutes making sure your buzz is completely gone by the time you order your long island ice tea. Its also helpful to get to know the staff's names so you can get there attention and if they're attractive maybe their phone numbers. Most importantly they tend to bring your drinks faster, which means more fun for you.

Enjoy your hangover, you earned it.


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