I've just finished the last of the cleanup activities from my birthday party Saturday night, and I must admit, kegs lead to big messes. Not just the foreseeable beer spills and stains, but post-beer-induced messes like melted ice pools and vomit patches. Then of course, any good drunk will want snacks and cigarettes, so add in crumbs and ashes everywhere. And finally, who could POSSIBLY continue the night without attempting to load and smoke the hookah–a device requiring careful preparation by either two sober people or one person of Middle Eastern descent. Unfortunately, sober was not the buzz word of the night, and my Middle Eastern friends all have strip poker night on Saturdays.

So the dilemma started on Monday, when I realized my place was barely still habitable (at least for my clean taste). A friend of mine recommended I just pay some place like Merry Maids to come in and do everything. It sounded like a good idea, so I decided to leave the mess, go get drunk at bingo night, and call a maid service on Tuesday morning.

Tuesday morning comes around and I'm feeling pretty fresh. As I'm taking a shower, try to compile a mental list of all the things the maids should do:

“I guess they should clean the ashes off the coffee table. Hmm, well, I guess I COULD do that myself. Ah yes, clean the kitchen floor. Hmm, well I do have a Swiffer, I suppose that would only take a second. But the vomit stain…THAT'S something THEY can deal with, yeah! But wait, am I really that afraid of vomit? It's only like a 1×1 foot patch dude, don't be a pussy….”

Eventually, I couldn't think of anything they could do that I couldn't do myself with a bit of motivation.

Well, I could think of a FEW:

1. Give 1 hour blowjob while I watch an episode of Six Feet Under.
2. Handfeed French grapes and catch the seeds as I spit them out across the room.
3. Clean the same spot on the keyboard over and over for 1 hour while I drool over Internet porn.
4. Lick the bathtub clean using Listerine.
5. Carry me into the bathtub and lick me clean using soap that will also wash their dirty sins away.

So based on the fact that I prefer cleaning and mopping everything myself, coupled with the jobs I CAN think of for a maid, I'm thinking it's time for….A GIRLFRIEND! AHAHAHAHAHAH