Listen, Big Milk gets it. Oat’s the “It” girl now. You’d rather sip on the juice of some bean than the juice of a delicious, beautiful cow. But look, you gotta give us a chance to win you back. It doesn’t have to be cows okay? But we bet large on all this titty milking apparatus and if we don’t use it for something we’re gonna be in serious trouble over here.
So if you city slickers can keep an open mind for one goddam second I guarantee you one of these delicious cow alternatives will find its way straight into that morning cup of caramel slush you call coffee.
Rat (Rattus rattus)
Firstly, you shouldn’t be put off by the fact this milk is from a rat. This is top-shelf stuff in the rodent milk world. Even if the shelf itself is low enough to be in the sewer. Plus, all our rat milk is strictly farm-to-table. That is, if you can consider the farm being the back alley of an Applebee’s, and the table being the table inside of an Applebee’s.
Yes, for the time being we are working out of an Applebee’s in between the midnight close and lunchtime rush. I’m just being honest with you. Times have been tough. So please just try this milk okay?
- Anchovy Paste
Delicious! The salty anchovy and gravy notes really gives this an umami curveball that you just don’t expect in a traditional milk. We tried this with cereal and it made the whole thing taste like dog food minestrone. What? You’re too good for dog food now and again? Try having your empire topple in front of your eyes.
Capybara (Hydrochoerus hydrochaeris)
Don’t want rat? Fine. How about capybara? They’re the hot new rodent, right? These hogs are probably a year away from being plastered over every reusable coffee cup this side of an Urban Outfitters homeware section, so get in whilst the getting’s good. Plus, their milk is out of this world:
Okay fine so we lied about this one tasting good, it tastes like the above. The panic got in because truthfully they weren’t super stoked about the whole getting-suction-cupped-to-machinery thing. Luckily, these liquid hogs practically piss the stuff and we hardly needed to squeeze 'em to do it!
Please buy this capybara milk. We have an Applebee’s full of it and in a couple days it’s gonna turn into rancid capybara yogurt and I really don’t wanna be forced to sell you that too.
Porcupine (Erethizon dorsatum)
Next in the firing line we got porcupine and let me tell you, these suckers are sharp. And thanks to a similar aversion for being squeezed the labor-to-yield ratio on these puppies makes their milk pound-for-pound more expensive than saffron.
- Juice of the marsh
I really don’t know what else to say about this one except it tastes like if you wrung out a piece of marshland and put it in a glass. No one else on our tasting committee could describe the taste until I spat it out and said, “What the fuck, this tastes like juice of the marsh!” After that everyone nodded their heads and wrote it down on their Applebee’s clipboards.
Holy hell these guys are smart. At one point they actually managed to break into the control room and liberate all the capybaras. It was kind of incredible to watch, they were fully operating the levers and pressing the buttons and everything. After we stamped back the revolution we kept one of 'em and gave him a little hard hat and named him “the Foreman.”
- Honey Mustard
- Crude Oil
Man, I really had my fingers crossed for this one tasting like hazelnuts or some shit so we could sell it to Nutella on the down-low, but no dice. Instead, this tastes like something the British would dip roast beef into, or use to deter badgers. If you don’t want this one, fine. We’re working on offloading the surplus to the wackos over there who make Marmite.
Naked Mole Rat (Heterocephalus glaber)
Okay, I know what you’re thinking. “Rat?” “Mole?” “Naked?” We were ready to cross this guy off the list too—and we should have. Immediately. Because this is the worst by far. They were ugly to look at and even uglier to taste.
- Oral swelling
- Spanish onion
This one had a gentle pepperiness to it that in the majority of cases quickly developed into full anaphylactic shock. In hindsight, it’s likely this crafty rodent released some of its venom during the milking process in an attempted coup d’état. In any case just one milked rat put the whole operation on hold for a week whilst our workforce recovered in the ICU. And to top it off the CDC made us dump the whole batch down the toilet.
Hìldëfurduír (Bos taurus)
Wow. Ummm, okay? This one was actually legit delicious. If you haven’t heard of this animal before it’s because it’s from a remote island off the coast of Norway. Cool right? Very “hygge.” And to top it off their milk was the winner by a mile:
- Grass-fed sweetness
- Delicious cream
- The taste of fine silk
Bet that sounds pretty good after all those other poisons huh? You bet it does, because that’s the milk of our old cloven-hooved friend the cow you sucker!
Boom! That’s right, we drank all that other caustic swill JUST to prove to you that nothing could possibly beat the delicious fresh taste of–
What’s that? You’re still gonna drink oat milk? I see…
Well in that case lemme tell you we have a delightfully trendy new Capybara yoghurt that I think you’re gonna love…