Call me presumptuous, but I think the fact that you're actually reading the intro paragraph right now is a good sign that you spend plenty of time on the internet. And in today's increasingly online world, you can do all kinds of things on the internet. Namely, have relationships. Sort of. These can range from simple Facebook friends to full on cyber sex.

Now, sex on the computer may seem a lot easier than sex in real life, but the truth is, there are plenty of risks involved in digital coitus. You could end up contracting a terrible computer virus, or have your life ruined when a loved one sees how much/what kind of porn you watch. Well for once, I'm actually going to help others deal with this folly, instead of just sitting back and laughing at it. So listen up.

Use protection.

This is an easy one. You do have options. Norton, VIPRE, ZoneAlarm. Whichever brand name you use, the software is everywhere. Hell, my computer came with some already installed! Don't give me that "It's a different sensation" crap! You're on your computer! Remember, unlike women, bringing contraceptives is not your computer's job.

Don't give in to pressure.

Frankly, it's not entirely your fault that you spend so much time watching porn. There are more porn sites on the internet than anything else, right? So statistically, the odds of you not being on a porn site are stacked against you. Maybe you don't mean to get your freak on every time you turn on your computer, but then some sexually explicit pop-up ad catches your attention or you accidentally type something sexy into Google Image Search. Before you know it, you've masturbated through an entire box of tissues and completely forgotten what you were doing.

Empty tissue box
Tissues fly when you're havin' fun.
But just remember, whatever those girls are doing in that thumbnail, it's probably going to take a while for the video to get to that point. Not to mention, it's likely to be super slow! Can you honestly say that you don't have better things to do than wait for some video to load? Think of all the games of solitaire you could have played!

If exchanging erotic emails, make sure you know the other person's history.

Wow. That was a lot more alliterative than I intended. So yeah, if you're going to email erotic pictures of yourself over the internet, or have a naked webcam chat, etc, make sure you know if your partner has had any problems with his/her computer in the last little while. Make sure you know and trust the person on the other end entirely.

And whatever you do, stay away from websites that promise to set you up with beautiful foreign wives. You don't know where those sites have been. And if you have an infection that you fear could spread to your partner's computer, it is your responsibility to tell them. If they still want to do it after that, it's their own fault what happens to them.

Get tested regularly.

Man touching his face in disappointment
You KNOW where that hand has been, stop touching your face!
The best way to stop a computer virus from destroying your hard drive is to catch it before it does anything and nip it in the butt. It can be very easy to tell when something is wrong. Maybe something isn't running as smoothly or maybe there are some weird sounds being made. Pretty much every computer out there now has the option to run virus scans. Frankly, if your computer doesn't have something like that, it must be one of those really old mainframes that take up the whole room, with wheels and everything. It can save you a lot of grief, you can do it yourself, and it only takes a minute! Or a few hours, it depends whether you want to run a full scan or not. And if you're still not sure, just go to the doctor. By which I mean the Computer Doctor on Queen Street. He didn't pay me to put this in, but it just makes for good misdirection.

Clean up after you're done.

Maybe you don't know how that website got your email address, but you sure as hell don't want to have that awkward conversation with your spouse/parent/children/co-workers/pets about what it's doing there. Fortunately, erasing your dirty cyber laundry is as simple as going to your history and pressing delete. In my personal experience, it's better to be a bit meticulous when doing this, since it seems a little strange someone who supposedly spends a lot of time on the internet would have a day missing on their computer.

Or you could just not let people use your computer. That would probably solve this problem. Actually, if you go to enough dirty websites that any of the tips mentioned in this article make sense to you, then you should probably just do that. It'll save you time.

Also, make sure to have plenty of cleaning supplies for your computer. I think you know why.

Related

Resources