Feeling down about your current life trajectory? Well, we here at Timelines of You can help you find the alternate universe(s) where you have it all together. Let's begin.
#2: You Are Not Successful Here
First timeline check—unfortunately, you are not successful here at timeline #2. Not a big deal, there are an infinite number of other timelines. Let's keep looking.
There is not much going on in this timeline either. I can't imagine that your definition of success includes searching the beach for jewelry with a metal detector. Moving on!
#52: Not this one
You aren't doing much career-wise on this Earth. When you were a child, you told your teacher that when you grow up, you want to be a telemarketer. You decide later in life to try standup comedy and thereafter refer to yourself as a “modern day philosopher”. Yikes!
#121: Don't bother
I found a tombstone with your name on it that said, “they died doing what they loved: poking rattlesnakes with a stick.” Let's skip right by this one.
#891: Not this one, either
It's not looking great for this timeline. I think you invested all your money in cryptocurrency and lost everything. You run for comptroller in a local election but lose to a guy in a purple robe called “Mister Wizard.” In your older years, you pick up poetry and write some really beautiful poems but then you leave your journal on an airplane. Also, how many cats are too many cats to own? 10? 20?
#8,472: Can't find you here
Your parents decided not to have children and instead got a divorce.
#67,573: You Own A Jelly Bean Store
Not really sure what to make of this timeline. You own and run a failing novelty jelly bean store that sells Harry Potter beans, fruit-flavored beans, really any kind of candy bean. You even took out a high-interest business loan to start the store and are deep in debt. This is definitely not one of your good timelines, but your sibling solved the climate crisis, so that's cool, I guess.
#341,775: Technically, You Are Alive
Don't panic. You are here, and you are alive! After a freak super-tornado decimates the Earth's population, you manage to survive by falling in with a pack of wolves and roaming the plains of Oregon looking for food. The human race never really recovers but you do get exiled from the pack by the alpha male!
#6,144,203: The Earth is Literally on Fire
It's not worth looking here, the entire Earth is ablaze. I can't see how you are successful in this timeline, even if this was your goal. You don't want to be known as the person that burned the Earth down.
#13,625,882: Grixus Has Ascended
The legendary world ender Grixus turned the Earth into the fiery depths of Hell. Funnily enough, you still have the same job here that you have in your original timeline. In all the worlds in the multiverse, most versions of you choose to work at your current position for the next ten years. Never fear! There are some other worlds where instead of working there, you are unemployed.
#27,306,163,091,456: Found One!
Wait, never mind. I thought you had amassed a huge fortune and had a ton of cool friends but then I realized you were just caught in a pyramid scheme. You basically help redistribute essential oils. There's not much beyond that.
Maybe the best timeline for you is the one you're in right now. What have you been up to?