Like many people, I don't like my body, or at least that's what my friends tell me. And the opinions of others are pretty important to me. Seriously, I don't drink diet soda because I heard that it can give you cancer, and nobody thinks cancer's cool. But going out of your way to please those around you seems sort of noble, and since I don't plan on giving handjobs to married men for the rest of my life, I think handing the general public something nice to look at would be just as good. And by "something" I mean my body.

So, in order to please the general public and fulfill my subconscious desire to become a healthy dude and a hard ass gym coach for overweight children, I've decided to go running every once in a while. For those of you who have respectable IQs and don't run long distances on a whim, let me tell you this: people who cut themselves should just go running, because your body feels the same amount of pain.

Women running
Happy on the outside, dying on the inside.

And unlike cutting (which I highly advise you not to do…to me that is), running pays off. After you've been jogging, not only do you get a nice exercise, but you also get the feeling that you're accomplished and better than most Americans. But to be semi-realistic, most Americans think they're better than most Americans, and most Americans don't jog.

Woman eating a Twinkie
Nothing's more American than eating Twinkies and not giving a bag of fucks.

It's like your body releases a drug that gives you a better outlook on life. Actually it's not "like" your body releases a drug, it DOES release a drug. Whenever you exercise your body releases endorphins; endorphins have the ability to relieve stress and pain within the body while also restoring your faith in humanity, and since smoking weed to feel better is frowned upon unless you have cancer or a fake disease, I kind of have to improvise.

Don't get me wrong, while running I feel like I'm stuck in a horrible ghetto of Chicago—specifically the one with all the bad Bill Cosby impressions—but once I'm done I feel like a million dollars. This good feeling is beneficial because it can help me be more productive and do things that benefit our society, such as recycling, donating to charity, and writing this thing you're reading right now (which technically counts as donating to charity). But do I do anything productive? If you count coming up with grade A dick jokes as productive then yes, I am very productive after running.

Woman thinking
A dick in the hand is worth two in the…nah that's not that great.

Then again, the only reasons I'm running are to gain social approval, envy, and respect from everyone around me, and to be healthier so I'll ultimately live longer…to some degree. Everyone can do this, even Forrest Gump. And although by now he's probably just an obscure movie reference that 80's and 90's babies will appreciate, the statement still applies. When it comes down to it, the real question that needs to be answered is, "Do you totes respect me now?" And the real answer to this question should be, "Yes David, we do totes respect you. Now please shut up and stop asking us if we think you look pretty or not."

I really hope that even my "want" to improve myself by exercising is good enough for some random person or animal or parent to say, "Hey! That guy's not a total dick; I think I respect him a little bit." This will demonstrate that I have finally reached my goal of physical mediocrity, and when that happens, life will be a hell of a lot better. Why? Because I can finally stop running around my neighborhood, eating better, and doing other inspiring junk like being healthy.

So for anyone thinking about starting their own running/jogging regiment, I say things like "Go for it," "More power to ya," and the more honest, "Okay…that's nice…go away now." In the end you'll look and feel better…in photos. And isn't that what all of us really want?

Marathon racers
I think yes.