We all partake in the debates over what region has the best pizza. New York-style. Chicago deep dish. California Pizza Kitchen. We in Phoenix are a meek, unassuming lot, and didn’t feel it was our place to jump into the fray of these stalwarts. But when Detroit shot their shot and declared that they had a pizza unique to their community that deserved equal billing with the great pizza capitals of the world, well, we were inspired.

What is Phoenix-style pizza? Uh, it’s good. Very good. And… spicy! Yeah, that’s right, Phoenix-style pizza is heavily influenced by the flavors of Mexico, festooned with peppers, and things. Yum! You won’t see the like on a pizza from the Motor City! Probably? What is their deal again?

And… it has a different shape, from other cities’ pizzas! New York and Chicago are round, Detroit is square, and Phoenix is… star-shaped! Yeah! It’s like, a round pizza that has more slices extending out from it, but these slices have the crust across the tip and long sizes instead of just the wide end! That’s Phoenix-style, baby!

Additionally, did I mention the peppers? I did? I just want to be sure I am clear that this pizza has, uh, jalapenos, on the pizza and in the crust! And other peppers! Which ones? Well, how about you name some and I’ll tell you if they’re in there!

And this star-shaped, pepper-containing pie emblematic of the fine city of Phoenix and its good people, is not done yet! Oh, no! There is more. MUCH more. Such as… It’s two-sided! Haha, those other cities think they’re making the ultimate pizza when you flip it over and there’s nothing there! We get you, pizza consumer! Underneath a Phoenix-style pizza… is a Phoenix-style pizza!

And did I mention the fortunes? Each slice contains a little paper slip with a fortune and lucky lotto numbers, and yes: it is exactly the same ones you get in fortune cookies, we made a deal with that supplier. But they’ll be in hot cheese!

As will spells cast by our pizza witches, in the time-honored tradition of Phoenix pizza! And there’re bugs flying around! And lightning! That’s right, when you open the box of a steaming hot, ooey-gooey, pepper-laden star pizza straight from the kitchens of Arizona’s capital, you’re unleashing a host of plagues upon the world! Does deep-dish do that? I frankly doubt it!

Now, it’s likely that because we’re making our debut in the pizza scene, you’re going to start hearing about Albuquerque-style pizza and how they’re the “good” pizza that has to defeat our pizza in an ultimate showdown in order to “save the souls of all humanity from the clutches of the Phoenix witches”, but that’s just hype, their pizza is not as good as our pizza. I think it’s just bbq chicken pizza, which is, you know, fine, but you don’t want it all the time.

So grab yourself a slice of Phoenix-style pizza, be it from the inner circle or from the outer points, and take your place in the ranks of the dark forces marching on the mortal realm to subjugate it once and for all in the name of the one true power of the universe! Hail Satan! And hail Phoenix-style pizza pie!