If you don't tie your shoelaces in exactly the right way after you wake up in the morning, do you feel that your day will go horribly wrong? Do you check to make sure the door to your house is locked about seven different times before you actually leave for work? Do you ever find yourself withdrawing from social gatherings early because you're not sure if your dog has enough water to drink and you're afraid that if it gets too thirsty, it will go ape shit and start raping your cat?

If you answered "Yes"…"No"… "Maybe" or "Fuck You" to any, all, or none of these questions, then you are probably suffering from Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder. Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, or "OCD," is characterized by irrational thoughts, fears, and obsessions that lead to repetitive behaviors, such as checking the coffee pot about 10 times just to make sure it's off.

OCD food tray

These irrational fears and the repetitive behaviors they cause can often result in anxiety, paranoia, and depression.

Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder is no laughing matter. Your face, however, is a different story. In fact, you should probably get that checked out before you seek therapy for your OCD. But before you fix your face, you should read this article. It will definitely help you overcome some of the problems you have.

1. Don't worry about the coffee pot being turned off… you have other problems to deal with.

If somebody gives you a funny look at work, or if they don't say "hello" to you in an extremely enthusiastic manner, it's not because they are tired, stressed out, or simply because they have a lot of things on their mind. Something is wrong. HORRIBLY WRONG. And it probably has everything to do with you! There is a very good possibility that your boss and all your co-workers are talking about you behind your back…and that you're about to get fired.

After you get fired, you will return home early to find your spouse or significant other cheating on you. Probably in your bed on top of the pillow that you put your face on every night. In fact, your significant other probably didn't even have to unlock the door to let the other person in BECAUSE YOU FORGOT TO LOCK IT THIS MORNING BEFORE GOING TO WORK, DIDN'T YOU!

You can't really blame your significant other for cheating on you either. Your OCD, your anxiety, and your paranoia probably drove them to it.

2. Always stay positive.

So you got fired from work, your significant other is fucking somebody else on your favorite pillow, and your life is pretty much economically and emotionally de-railed at this point. Everybody has pretty much screwed you over and thrown you under the bus. They all turned their backs on you, and they all just treated you like you are not even a human being at all. In the great rat-race of life…they have won, and you have finished last. The ground that was underneath your feet is now completely gone. It will probably take years of deep thought, reflection, forgiveness, loads of therapy, and some heavy medication to eventually get over all of that.

But you need to move on. Life keeps going….and so must you. Don't be negative and pessimistic, and don't dwell on the past. BE POSITIVE!

As idealistic quotes often go…"Dance like no one is watching , Love like you have never loved before, and Sing like nobody can hear you."

You see, no matter how bad your life is, you can always look at a positive, happy quote like that and everything will be just fine.

3. Choose how you want to die.

If you have Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, your life is probably very miserable and pointless. Why extend it with exercise and healthy eating? There are many good ways to shorten your life. I personally enjoy chain-smoking and excessive drinking. It ruins my health, it increases my blood pressure, and most importantly, it damages my brain and makes me psychologically unbalanced. I guarantee I won't be suffering with OCD when I'm an old person…because I will never actually be an old person.

Shopping at Walmart and consuming a typical Midwestern diet of sandwiches, cheeseburgers, French fries, potato chips, and Mountain Dew are also good ways to cause irreversible damage to your internal organs.

4. When choosing how to die, don't listen to commercials.

If you watch commercials, you will realize that overblown idealists have now decided that cigarettes are the most evil thing in the world. Not only are cigarettes the most evil thing, they are also the root of all the problems in the Universe. After God created Adam and Eve, the Devil did not tempt Eve with forbidden fruit. He gave her a cigarette. As a result of this, humanity is lost and we now have all the problems in the world that we have today.

One commercial after another shows young people singing, dancing, and carrying on in a way that would make a 13-year-old cheerleader puke. Right after that, of course, Hardee's advertises their new "Thick-Burger,"a fucking cheeseburger that actually has hotdogs and potato chips inside of it.


Eat at Hardee's, clog up your arteries, drastically increase your cholesterol, develop type 2 diabetes, and have a heart-attack instead.

5. Exert random and unpredictable violence on others.

Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder causes a lot of stress. A good way to relieve this stress is to drink lots of whisky, get into a large truck, and run over a few teenagers as they are walking home from school. Not only is it fun, it's also necessary. Throwing beer bottles at the elderly, lighting zoo animals on fire, and punching people when they're not looking are also good ways to enjoy yourself and to keep you from checking that coffee pot over and over again.

6. Avoid social gatherings.

Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder is a very crippling thing. If you have OCD, then it means that you are also very crippled as a person. Being the psychologically crippled person that you are, I would recommend that you avoid any and all social gatherings.

I like to use myself as an example. I have OCD, so I stay at home on weekends. I tend to avoid social gatherings. When people get together, communicate with each other in a meaningful way, or even just have fun….many dynamic and exciting things can occur. When dynamic and exciting things occur, I get over-excited. And when I get over-excited, I poop in my pants.

Therefore, I choose to let life pass me by while I drink cheap beer and watch bad television programming. This may sound boring and pathetic, but it is a good way to avoid stalkers. If anybody tried to stalk me, they would die from boredom.

I would recommend that you do the same thing. Staying away from people and closing yourself off socially is also a good way to avoid reality and to let your small worries and fears build up until they become mountains that you will never be able to climb.

And besides, you have OCD. Chances are, nobody really likes you anyway.

7. Never fall in love.

I once knew a young and idealistic college student named Danny. Danny was a good-hearted soul who was earning a liberal arts degree with a double major in history and philosophy. He had a bright future of working at a gas station ahead of him.

Danny worked hard, studied hard, and did the best he could to help other people.

Despite everything that was going for him, Danny was very lonely. He also had Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, which caused him to worry excessively about things he could not control. Danny's particular problem seemed to be with his shoe laces. He would tie them over and over again until they were absolutely perfect. For some reason, he always felt that if he didn't tie his shoe laces properly, something would go horribly wrong.

While he was studying in the library one day, a beautiful girl named Amanda came and sat down next to him. She was struggling with some of her homework, and Danny was more than happy to help her out. Amanda was gorgeous. She had long flowing brunette hair and soft brown eyes that could melt a heart of steel. As they were studying together, Danny found that he really, really liked Amanda. The two eventually became study partners and ended up spending lots of time together. They talked about school, life in general, and their hopes for the future.

As time went on, Danny found that he was falling in love with Amanda. He simply couldn't stop thinking about her. She consumed his thoughts and his dreams, and he desperately wanted to be with her. He envisioned a future where he and Amanda could live together in a nice little house with a white-picket fence. His heart ached for her in the worst way.

Danny was very innocent. He had never had a girlfriend before, and he was a virgin. So he began to feel very insecure about himself. His OCD also began to kick in. With his overwhelming feelings for Amanda and his strong desire to be with her, he began to worry excessively. "What if she doesn't feel the same way about me?" Danny kept thinking. Amanda had never mentioned anything about a boyfriend, but Danny kept worrying that she might have one. He couldn't bear the thought that she might be in love with someone else. He also couldn't bear the thought that she might not be innocent like he was. The thought was too horrible to imagine. "If she's not pure and innocent like I am, will she be able to love me as much as I love her?" Danny wondered.

These thoughts kept repetitively going through his mind. He couldn't focus, his appetite was diminished, and he had trouble sleeping at night. Finally, Danny made up his mind. Despite all the worries that were going through his head, he knew that he had to take a step forward and tell Amanda how he felt.

Danny lived in Dickman Hall, which was just off the corner from Cumstein Avenue. Amanda, on the other hand, lived across campus in Cramalot Hall, which was parallel to Head Street. Danny needed the nice long walk and the cool evening breeze to help calm his mind as he prepared to tell Amanda exactly how he felt about her.

When Danny reached Amanda's dormitory, the logo on the front door said "Take a Leap of Faith. Live like there is no tomorrow, Love as though your heart will never be broken, and Laugh even if you don't think the joke is funny."

Danny proceeded.

Amanda's dormitory was abnormally tall for a college building. In fact, it was 30 stories high, and Amanda just happened to live on the 30th floor. It took Danny a while to get to the 30th floor, but he eventually got there. His heart was pounding in his chest.

The hallway of the dorm had that common smell that all dorm hallways seem to have. In other words, it reeked of youthful naiveté, false hope, poorly-spent tuition money, old carpet, dirty socks, and butt-fucking. Despite the smell, Danny pushed forward to Amanda's room at the end of the hallway. He mustered up all of his courage and prepared to knock on the door. However, he found that the door was slightly open. In addition to this, he also heard noises that seemed to indicate that some sort of struggle was going on. "Maybe she needs my help," Danny thought as he pushed the door open and entered the room only to see Amanda naked on her back with Scottie, her boyfriend, on top of her.

Shock, horror, and deep overwhelming pain filled Danny's soul as he stood there and watched while Scottie pumped the girl of his dreams with his massive, hard, throbbing organ of joy. With her legs wrapped around him, she moaned and screamed and begged for more as sheer agonizing pleasure coursed through her body and caused her to explode with numerous orgasms. And if this wasn't bad enough, Danny then watched Scottie withdraw his gigantic, pulsating, love rod from deep inside Amanda, point it at her face, and then blow out a load that would make a porn star jealous.

With the sight of Scottie's love juice dripping off of Amanda's chin, Danny simply couldn't take any more. With sadness and despair filling every last ounce of his soul, he dashed up the flight of stairs that led to the rooftop of the dormitory. Once there, he ran full speed toward the edge of the building hoping that one good solid jump would end all of his pain. Unfortunately for Danny, however, he had failed to tie his shoelaces properly that morning, so he tripped on them and landed face-first into a pile of old, rusty, jagged nails that had been left behind by the construction workers when they built the dormitory. One of the nails went right through his left eyeball.

Danny now had two different forms of pain to deal with. Emotional pain…and the pain of having a nail in one of his eyeballs. Despite the excruciating pain, nausea, and lack of clear vision that Danny now had because there was a nail in his left eyeball, he was still determined to leap off the edge of the building, so he kept running as hard and as fast as he could.

But unfortunately for Danny, he tripped on his shoelaces once again. This time, however, he was actually close enough to the edge of the building to finally let gravity do its work of pulling him toward the demise that he so desperately wanted. The only problem was that he didn't go down in the neat vertical fashion that he had planned on because when he fell the second time, he simply slid off the building and started falling in such a way that the length of his body was parallel to the ground. As a result of this, his feet and legs crashed into a ledge on one of the stories near the top of the building, which caused him to spin around in clock-wise fashion before he eventually splattered all over the ground.

You may be wondering if there is actually a point to this story. Well there is. The point of this story is to always keep a careful "eye" on your Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder….because it can really "trip" you up if you're not careful.

Join comedy classes at The Second City: Writing Satire for the Internet, Sketch Writing, and Writing for TV & Film start Feb 29. Use code "PIC" for 10% off by phone.