Hello?

Hi, Randy. Ooh, you sound sexy. My name is Tabitha, and I’m here to fulfill all your erotic fantasies while making sure you’re prepared for a nuclear strike.

Where are you? In your backyard?

I’m lying in bed right now, thinking about you and touching myself. Suddenly, there’s an enormous flash, bright enough to blind you if you look right at it. Then you see a mushroom cloud billowing in the distance. I want you to get inside, Randy. Go as far underground as you can or into the center of a building. Close all the doors and windows.

If you have running water, wash that delicious body with lots of soap. If not, do whatever you can to wipe away any radioactive particulates. 

Good, Randy. Now tell me… what are you wearing right now?

I bet you look hot in jeans. I’m wearing a transparent red teddy while I fondle myself to thoughts of your survival preparations. That’s because I’m outside of the fallout zone, so I don’t need to worry about protecting my skin from exposure to dangerous radiation. You, though…

I want you to take off all your clothes. Yes, just like that. God, I wish I could see you naked. Put those clothes in a sealed bag as far away from you as possible. If you have running water, wash that delicious body with lots of soap. If not, do whatever you can to wipe away any radioactive particulates.

Ooh, Randy. Yes. Tell me what you’re soaping right now. How big is it? Wow, that’s so impressive. Give it a little squeeze from Tabitha.

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Are you a good boy who has emergency supplies on hand? Or are you very, very naughty in the worst possible way?

Wonderful, Randy. Your preparedness is so arousing. Make sure you have water, canned food, and an emergency radio.

One of my favorite things starts with “P.” Can you guess what it is?

Oh, very good. You’re such a quick learner! Yes, it’s potassium iodide. If you feel nauseous and tired, take a KI tablet to help stop radioactive iodine from being absorbed by your thyroid. Of course, another one of my favorite things also starts with “P,” but we already got acquainted in the shower. Say another hello from Tabitha.

Now we wait. It’ll be at least 24 hours until you can leave your shelter, and possibly much longer. Listen to your emergency radio and stay inside until you hear otherwise.

That means it’s just the two of us now, Randy. You in your fallout shelter, me in my bedroom in a red teddy, fantasizing about you. Millions of people are dead, but you aren’t, and boy, that turns me on.

You’ll be trapped in that basement for days, so if the smell gets unbearable, try rubbing some Vick’s VapoRub under your nose. But since you can’t leave, why not embrace the moment? You’ve been working so hard lately. You deserve a break. I know nuclear apocalypse is scary, but this is the perfect moment to let go, stick your hand down your pants, and tell Tabitha your darkest fantasies.

Yes, just like that, Randy. The world may be ending, but right now you’re not alone.

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