The Influencer Couple

They are young and impossibly beautiful. They will not be running fast, because they are both eating Paleo, and the only carbohydrates they have ingested today are incidental ones from the apricot facial scrub they used in the TikTok beauty video they made before the race.

The College Cross-Country Runner Who Is Home for Fall Break

He looks like Timothée Chalamet, only healthier. He thought this would be a fun way to do his long run. He is going to win this race running at his easy pace and break the hearts of a dozen thirty-somethings who have been training for this all year. He will skip the awards ceremony to play Fortnite.

The Working Mother of Three

She wakes up at 4:30 AM so that she can squeeze in a ten-miler before taking her kids to school and arriving at the office at 8:30 AM sharp. She has a capacity for suffering that would frighten Buddhist monks. This is the easiest thing she will do all week.

The Former Collegiate Running Couple

They did not plan to race today. They ran three miles from their home to the starting line. They wear black running kits that fit so well you cannot imagine what they look like in street clothes. They will finish in the top ten and then disappear into the crowd like Shoeless Joe Jackson into the corn in Field of Dreams.

Women’s First Place Finisher

She is smartly dressed in a kit from the local running club which she routinely dominates on speed work days. She is not interested in hearing about your training plan. You will know her by the trail of the insecure middle-of-the-pack male runners who tried to keep up with for a quarter of a mile and perished.

Men’s Masters First Place Finisher

He is tan and weathered, but ageless, like Robert Redford between 1980 and 2020. He wears a threadbare 1984 Los Angeles Summer Olympics t-shirt, possibly because he won a medal there. He will pass you around mile six and come in fifth place overall and really mess with your self-confidence.

The Guy Who Decided To Do This Yesterday

He is not wearing a shirt and has pinned his bib on the back of his shorts. He lifts weights and does other things with ropes and tires that have given him a strange sense of entitlement. You will see him walking at mile three, trying to look dignified while calling an Uber.

The Person Wearing All The Gear

They arrive clad in knee-high compression socks and carbon-plated shoes. They are wearing a GPS running watch, a chest strap heart rate monitor, an armband heart rate monitor, multiple moisture-wicking layers, a hydration vest, a neck gaiter, sunglasses, and a visor. As you watch them trundle up the first hill with their burdens, you will be left with a strange sense of respect and pity that will trouble you for days.

Two or Three People Wearing Three-Inch Inseam American Flag Shorts

Regardless of weather conditions, there will be two or three people at the starting line with their glutes just barely wrapped in Old Glory. They will make you wonder which direction to face when the national anthem is played at the start of the race.

That Person in Your Age Group Who Is Faster Than You

That person is here. They are in the same age group as you, but they are just a little faster. You will sigh and pray for them to get injured. You may or may not wonder if this makes you a bad person.