It’s me, Jessie’s girl. Though I am in fact your friend Jessie’s girlfriend, I also happen to have a name. Before I tell you where to find a woman like me, I’d like to offer a bit of advice on how to get a woman like me. Whatever my name may be, you’ll finally be able to stop asking where you can find one of those females such as I, girl of Jessie’s!

Ask What Her Name Is

I truly do understand how frustrating it is to watch your bros put their hoes before you but trust me when I say that taking that hoe is a serious offense of bro-code. Instead, figure out a way to get one of those things, A.K.A. a girl, on your own. By doing so, you just simply have to ask what to call her by. Make sure to introduce yourself after the fact though, because it is a known tendency to be referred to as “(s/o's) Girl” if vice-versa. It's a big turn off.

Anyways, don’t be so hyper-focused on what she sees in you. Because as of now, she sees nothing but Jessie. He has all the girls… stupid Jessie.

You Remind Me of Jessie’s Girl! Please, Do Tell Me, Do You Have a Name?

Wanna know how to be cool with the lines? While just a tad bit rude, this is also respectful enough to answer! This is also a way to let this girl know that she is indeed somebody you’d like to get to know, just without all the charades, and by charades, I mean misogyny and cock-blocking. It doesn't matter if she doesn't want to tell you at this point, the answer still has to contain a “yes.”

Regardless, by then you’d surely have found a woman like that, even if she goes right back to Jessie. It’s always about Jessie.

Send Her a Quizlet Containing One Question: “What Is Your Name?”

I’m sure Quizlet has been your go-to since you started cheating on Social Studies in the 6th grade. Pull up the app and send it on over through airdrop! Talk about smooth. Besides, if you really want her to love you with that body, you should probably make sure you know of her preferred calling of identity. Because if you’re like Mr. Springfield, you’re undeserving of loving from her body.

Frankly, if you’re this far into still needing lessons on how to request access to somebody's, literally anybody's, name, you’re just undeserving, period… specifically you, Rick.

“Hi, I’m (Y/N) What’s Your Name?

You: Hey! Nice to meet you, my name is (Y/N). What’s your name?

Them: Hey! Nice to meet you too, my name is (H/N). Are you drinking a White Claw?

You: I sure am. I bet Jessie drinks IPAs.

Don’t Tell Her You Love Her, But Please Do Ask What That Name Is

Save it for later. Trust me when I tell you that it’s best to just be able to say, “I love you, (H/N).” Not, “I love you, Jessie’s girlfriend's friend because all girls who are affiliated in some way, shape, or form with Jessie all want him and not me.” Bit of a mouthful, huh? It’s guaranteed that the time will come around, it just literally won’t happen if you can’t even hold her in your arms in your co-joined home. Can’t sign a mortgage without a first name, and you can’t spell a mortgage with love…that doesn’t look how it sounds in my head.

Please Don’t Send a Dick Pic

Now that Rick's out of the game, I wanna center the spotlight on all those guys. It’s ok to “look” in the mirror from time to time. Nobody asked to look with you, so go ahead and do that as much as you’d like far away from the girl. The best thing you could do is leave us out of that. And to answer all of your questions, that is definitely not the way love is supposed to be.

I wish you the best of luck in finding a woman like me! Because you got this far, I owe you the privilege of finally learning my name, which is in fact “Jessie’s Girl.” I’m prouder to say that as it turns out most girls don’t have names, because we’re property! But it’s always nice to verify just in case there’s hope for us out there.