To Whom It May Concern,
My name is Gertrude Mabel Touchingtips. Yes, that's my legal birth name, and no, I will not be divulging further details regarding the origins of my surname. I'm a mid-level haunting and possessions professional with more than 125 years of experience facilitating jump scares, fever dreams, and thumps in the night.
I understand you're looking for a spirit with unfinished business for this haunting position, and I think my skill set of undead unrest fits the role perfectly. I'm currently wailing and wandering at one incredibly sinister location: the Taco Bell Cantina on 3rd street.
Now, you may be wondering how this place could possibly harbor such an evil entity when it brings so much joy to the living (I've witnessed the Mexican Pizza bring some back from the dead, oddly enough). Well, that's because it used to be the factory where I worked 14 hours a day for a hefty sum of $2 a week.
One day, after weeks of eyeing an ominous red button that said, “DO NOT TOUCH,” I decided it was time to touch. Not because I like to challenge authority, but because I take initiative, I'm endlessly curious, I push boundaries, and I'm very hands-on.
Pressing the button immediately resulted in my demise with a swift explosion, engulfing the entire factory in flames. You can say I really lit the place up. I wasn't too upset about dying, but I was particularly irritated that it occurred right before I was about to receive a promotion from assistant coal shoveler to supervisor of coal shoveling.
I'm quite the overachiever, so this was devastating. I knew I'd have to pivot and start working in an entirely different industry-one where I embraced purgatory in all of its neither-here-nor-there glory.
In the decades following the fire, I was determined to climb the corporate ladder of my newfound purpose-haunting the halls of every business that built over the factory's charred remains. A total of seven businesses tried building on this plot of land, but I scared each and every one of them away in less than six months.
One time, I photobombed a company's holiday party photos (I'm pretty grotesque due to the explosion) and was able to send them packing from that alone. Another time, I funneled all of my energy into smashing their little corporate branded mugs on the break room floor, before writing their names in blood across the bathroom mirror. One medium and two weeks later, they called it quits.
However, my most notable haunting was when I implemented a marketing campaign that involved learning every employee's weakness, possessing them during their dream state, and then using their vessels to push more red buttons that looked like they could cause some sort of detrimental harm. The slogan was, “I'm dying to push it.”
That campaign resulted in a 75% increase in scream and terror output, exceeding my Q3 goal. Oh, and the new building burned to the ground. It was my most successful year yet!
I quickly became the top performer in business haunting and was featured in Forbes‘ “30 People Dead Before 30.” I'm just lucky that my work speaks for itself.
As a ghost with no intention of following the light anytime soon, this haunting position is truly a dream job.
I'd love to chat with you further about the role, so please do not hesitate to send me a seance invite at your earliest convenience.
Cold Regrets,
Gertrude