"A bird pooped on me. I should buy a lotto ticket!"
-Actual quote

It has been brought to my attention that you are, by and large, morons. As a result, I have compiled a list of things you should know not to do before you come to the convenience store where I work and purchase a lottery ticket.

1. Tell me to "make sure they're the winning numbers."

They aren't, and they never will be. That joke wasn't funny when the peanut-brain in front of you told it thirty seconds ago, and it isn't funny now. I do no have access to a magic button that will make yours the winning ticket. Do you really think I would be standing here, listening to your shit if I did?

2. Scratch out a number you've selected, with the same pen.

There are cards you can fill out to select your numbers. These cards work by detecting ink in each box. This means that scribbling out a selection WITH THE SAME PEN will not make the machine magically deselect it.

3. Tell me that you'll "take me on a trip" if you win, expecting me to act grateful.

You won't win, you are not entitled to my gratitude, and I refuse to be dragged into this screaming vortex of misery and self-deception which you have created.

Buying a lottery ticket at a gas station

4. Ask me to take your word for it that you're 18.

If you look under 25, I have to check for ID. I cannot sell you an instant lottery ticket if you are under 18—merely promising me that you are of age proves nothing. Even a 17-year-old could figure that out.

5. Attempt to buy a lottery ticket for your child.

If I have reason to believe that you are buying instant lottery tickets for you child, I CANNOT sell them to you. The law will fuck me up if I do. Do not wink at me and say, "Oh, don't worry, I won't give it to my child." YES YOU WILL, YOU LYING PRICK. Do not then get bitchy at me for obeying the law. I don't actually care that you're disappointed I'm not "willing to go the extra mile" to introduce your child to gambling.

6. Ask me to check your tickets.

There is a perfectly serviceable machine designed explicitly for this purpose approximately eight inches to your right. This machine has the words "LOTTO – CHECK YOUR TICKET HERE!" emblazoned across the front in massive letters. I understand that you have a desperate need for validation from another human being, but that will not be me. Go hire a prostitute.

7. Hand me your credit card to buy a ticket.

Lotto does not accept credit cards. I cannot change this. This measure is specifically designed to prevent dipshits like you from gambling with money they don't have.

8. Tell me all about your "strategy" for winning the lottery.

You don't have one, and I don't care. Any strategy you have merely serves to show the world your failure to grasp the concept of randomly drawn numbers.

9. Get angry with me when some idiot stands in a dazed stance of slack-jawed bewilderment at the counter for three minutes while queue forms behind him.

I'm trying to get rid of him. You have it easy. All you have to do is stand there—I have to talk to Johnny Shit-for-Brains.

10. Try to explain how you choose your numbers based on previous results and the Law of Averages.

You're making mathematicians cry.

11. Ignore basic mathematics.

Here's an idea: take five minutes you would've spent equating your horoscope and astronomical alignments to "winning numbers" and actually calculate your odds of winning the lottery. Or talk to someone who has learned basic mathematics. Or use the calculator function on your phone. Then stop throwing your money at this like a retarded chimpanzee and go buy something tangible, like an actual retarded chimpanzee (makes a great surprise gift for Christmas!).

Alternatively, if you refuse to acknowledge any numbers other than your "winning ones," try this common sense technique: take note of how many people in line are giving me money. Then note how many people are being given money by me. Now note the way I have to stop selling lottery tickets for a moment because the till can't hold any more cash.

12. Tell me that "somebody's got to win it."

What exactly do you mean, anyway? The lottery jackpots by $1 million every week it isn't won. It starts at $3 million. It is currently sitting at 27 cockmongering million dollars. That means that EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THE PAST 24 DRAWS HAVE GONE WITHOUT A WINNER. Christ.


I can't believe I even have to say this. A printed list of the winning numbers is not a lottery ticket. More to the point, however, a receipt for a chocolate bar from 7-Eleven cannot even be mistaken for a lottery ticket. No. I refuse to believe it. You are not that stupid.

You can't be that stupid.


I hate you.

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