To the members of AYSO team “Green Dragons,”

It has come to my attention that a number of you have had your penis and testicles touched by assistant coach Nick. First of all, let me say sorry to all those whom Nick touched on the penis or testicles. Second, I want you to know that the proper measures are in place to ensure this doesn't keep happening. And third, but most important of all, I want you all to know that we are going to handle this the way we've handled every setback this year—with Green Dragon pride!

Remember the game we lost to those kids from East Palo Alto? Remember how our goalie started crying after they went up 5-0 in the first quarter? Remember how I got kicked off the field for yelling that those kids had 15-year-olds in there? Remember that?

Tell me this: what did we do after that stinging defeat? Did we sit around grousing for the next month about the loss? No. We put it behind us, and next week, what did we do? We went out there, and we played with Green Dragon pride. And we won that game.

So the assistant coach touched your testicles and penis… Well, unless he gave you a twister, I want you on that field on Saturday, goddamnit. Then, after the game, I'll take you all to Fosters for a burger and ice cream. On me.