General elections are coming up throughout the country on Tuesday, November 8th. I only know this because of seeing the big political signs posted on top of one another right where the bums beg at most highway exits across the country. It's an "off-year election" with few nationally held offices up for grabs. A few states are looking for governors in 2011, including Kentucky, West Virginia, Mississippi, and Louisiana—or as I call them, "the vacant states." Statistics show that at any given time, 40% of the population in these states is shopping at one of five statewide Walmart Supercenters, and 23% of those shoppers are currently salivating uncontrollably in the "Hunting and Outdoors" section.

Ballot measures are being voted on this Tuesday as well, the most common of which is legislation that requires you to show a photo ID (not just an ID) before voting. Some are upset by this, and I was thoroughly confused. I had to think about it for a second… can you actually have an ID with NO PHOTO? How the shit would this identify you in any way? Well, apparently, unbeknownst to me, this has been a normal practice in most states for a long time. The only explanation is that the folks against this law are downright ugly—or on meth, which would alter their appearance so dramatically, it could possibly result in difficulty procuring pseudoephedrine to make more meth. Sadly, there isn't a single decriminalization or "legalization of marijuana for medical use" ballot in the whole bunch. I guess the economy has finally hit the stoner lobby too.

Michele Bachmann holding a 20 dollar bill
"Samuel Jackson did not work his BUTT off to see the value of a 20 go down the drain!"
The most important thing happening in politics right now really isn't happening in politics right now. It's the race to become the Republican candidate for the 2012 presidential election. This process started in January 2011 and won't be done until the summer of 2012. So far the only thing that makes me change the channel faster than the Republican debates is the trial of Michael Jackson's Doctor. Judging from what candidates we have to choose from, our country is inching closer to the civilization portrayed by Mike Judge in Idiocracy. End the two-party system, shall we?? Granted, this is the same society that just made Puss in Boots the number one movie at the box office, grossing $34 million so far, trailed by two remakes that weren't very good movies in the first place… surely we can agree that Michael Jackson's Doctor would make a more competent candidate than Herman Cain.

Although many of us don't feel our votes count, should we really sit idly by as old folks show up in droves and once again carve out the rules, guidelines, and provisions that govern our actions for the foreseeable future? HELL NO, I say. It's time to act! Whether you're a money-guarding member of the GOP, or an accused socialist supporter of the liberal left, your vote may have more impact than you realize. And if you've decided this whole process stinks to high heaven and you don't want to get your hands dirty helping either flawed cause, perhaps you can find one of the reasons below as justification enough to vote.

Top 5 Fucked Up Reasons to Vote on Tuesday, November 8th

  1. You want to drive the poll workers insane by nearly violating the "No Political Conversation" rule while completely violating the "No Cell Phone User in Polling Area" rule.
  2. Someone you don't like works at the polls and you're going to write in their most recent dead relative as your vote for all offices.
  3. You have an airborne illness that you have already infected an entire office with, and you have recently entered the "uncontrollable sneezing" phase of illness.
  4. The lover you've been cheating on your spouse with lives right next to your polling location, so you will have a chance to bang them, then return home, claiming the lines were long or the staff was horribly inefficient.
  5. You have completed every other task in life while blackout drunk, EXCEPT voting.
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