By contributing writer Jason K, U of Rochester

There is an awful epidemic sweeping my campus and I can only assume that it is spreading to others at an equally alarming rate. I speak of the “campus hello” factor. While walking back from class today, I had to smile and say hello to over six people. It’s a five minute walk for fuck’s sake, can you even fathom how many more people I have to fake politeness to throughout the day?

When it’s a friend you run into, obviously you wanna stop and talk or at least say “Hey” as you pass. However, in college, these lines of friendship become blurred. I ask you, does the fact that I nodded to you at a party, sat next to you in a lecture class, or lived downstairs in your building two years ago entitle you to a “hello” and a wave every time we cross paths? If yes, please consider yourself either lonely or annoying, and in need of either friends or more daytime minutes.

Yesterday, I ran into the same girl over four times on campus. That’s the worse, the “multi-meetings.” At first you give the “Hey!” and a big wave. The second time it’s more of a smile and an acknowledgement. By the third meeting, the line of friendship has clearly become unblurred and you both begin to rethink how you even know each other and whether any potential losses could arise from abandoning acknowledgement completely. Any meetings beyond this are simply painful—nay, almost shameful—for both parties. Equally problematic is the premature acknowledgement—when two people spot each other from a distance and one person makes the mistake of waving too early. You are then forced to either enter a meaningless conversation or walk in awkward silence until you actually finish passing each other.

I think all this anxiety is coming from having to live with an Australian girl this semester. Assuming she would be hot and exotic, I told this girl she could stay in my room for a week. But as we all know, looks rarely pan out as planned—kind of like following a hot body around campus, only to regret leaving your grocery bag at home when she turns around.

In other news, while waiting for class today I saw a kid drop an M&M on the floor. He proceeded to pick it up and said jovially, “It’s all good”. Well my friend, let me assure you it most certainly is NOT all good. Not only is that a college-trodden floor, thus exempting it from the five second rule, but you also have a WHOLE FUCKING BAG in your hand. Is that one M&M such a big deal? If so, please consider yourself either fat or addicted, and in need of either a diet or a counselor.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have “hellos” to avoid.

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