The secret to that great New York pizza? It’s that great New York water. Best in the world. You can’t get water softer than this. That’s how the crust is so good, ’cause of the water in the yeast. Then after a slice you wash it down with what? That’s right, a cup of that water. Nothin’ better.

The secret to that great New York water? Gotta be those great New York fish. You seen these fish? New York fish have chutzpah. They’ve seen it all. They’ll jump right up outta the water, tell you where to transfer for Rockaway, ask you if you heard from Donnie lately, and bite you in the chin if you say another fakakta thing about the Knicks not having the front court depth—THIS IS THEIR YEAR. You got a river with world class fish in it, that river’s gonna pick up a thing or two, believe you me.

The secret to those great New York fish? On my mother it’s those great New York fishermen. Why’d Maris hit 61 in ’61? Cuz he had The Mick chasin’ him! Back-to-back MVPs, that’s great, Maris was a good All-American kid, but Mickey played that season half dead, gets walked a couple hundred times, and still hits 54?!?! If you’re Maris and you don’t have Mickey friggin’ Mantle hittin’ behind you, three MVPs mind you, 1956 Triple Crown winner, SEVEN-TIME WORLD SERIES CHAMPION…you know, that’ll make you a better hitter. If you’re a flounder and you got the best hitter there is chasin’ you, protecting you in the lineup, and you don’t go nuts for 162? AND you got the Post diggin’ through your laundry sayin’ youse’ll never hit like Mickey?? Find another river my guy, you’ll never last in this water.

You wanna know the secret to all those great New York fishermen? Gotta be the bacon egg and cheese. Look, no matter the borough, you’re gonna eat good, but nothing starts a day off like this dish. Imagine this: you gotta get up at four in the morning to go catch some fish. You gotta schlep all the way over the bridge, the traffic’s gonna give you a knipshin, and you’re starving cause last night the Missus burnt the meatloaf so you had to eat with your neighbor, and he don’t know how to cook. Ah, but of course there’s the bodega on the corner. You drop in, pet your friend the bodega cat (he’s your very best friend), and grab your bacon egg and cheese for the road. You get a little ketchup on your shirt but who cares, you’re nourished, you saw your friend the bodega cat, you get to go see Larry at work, and he was stupid enough to bet you $20 the Yanks wouldn’t sweep the Sox — of course the Yanks sweep the Sox, you think Booney doesn’t know how to build a lineup anymore? You think we can’t hit lefties? Larry really thinks Judge doesn’t hit lefties, and if that worm welches on your bet you’re gonna to push him into Jamaica Bay.

Look, the secret to those great bodega sandwiches, don’t you know, is that classic New York grid system. Madonna Mia you don’t even know about the Commissioners’ Plan of 1811? Well listen up, The Common Council said let’s divide this island up evenly. How ’bout that, eh? They took one look at Boston’s radial urban planning and said what yutz designed this? Anyway, navigation, yada yada, population density, creates competition, foot traffic, the best bodegas rise to the top. You don’t need no fancy Harvard degree to know that’s economics.

Go ‘head, ask me what makes the gridiron system so good. Go ‘head and ask me. It’s the unparalleled maritime location. Hudson River, right? We’re at the mouth of it, so all those other cities on the river, kvetching about how they don’t have the resources they need —I’m tellin’ ya, we have the economic power, now we’re talkin’ a real dynasty. And the Atlantic trade port, fuggedaboudit. Access all directions, that’s all I’m sayin’.

Listen up real good, I bet you’re wonderin’ what makes all these maritime trade routes so special. You know what your problem is? You probably think all the ports in the Northeast Megalopolis are equal. I bet you never even been on a boat before. See the thing with these trade routes is the great New York City Water. Best in the world. It’s so soft. It’s the softest in the… now hold on a second. Softest in the world, anyone who tells you… woah, ok take it easy, I’m gettin’ the spinnies. The fish make the… Murderers’ Row for the pizza. Stay still now, I’m tryna teach youse about — is your head hurtin’ too? My head feels… soft crust… on the gridiron… for a big ship… oh maron I’m gonna—

I’m walkin’ here! TriBeCa bagel stand clear of the closing doors, bodega big apple MoMa. Williamsburg Bridge? Statue of Empire Square, take the Q to John Lennon assassination, Ellis Island with a chopped cheese, great white way. You tellin’ me you got no public restroom? Beautiful Laguardia scaffolding Duane Reade Duane Reade Duane Reade, FAO Schwarz; shvitz at the Carnegie M&M store, Kramer just barges in, no knock. Little Italy MTA High Line! Oriental Chinese Restaurant, Broadway between 156th and 157th, block north of Trinity Cemetery. Audubon’s grave? Ed Koch’s grave? Bridge and tunnel walking tour, guy holding snake charging for pictures pigeon Staten Island Ferry. THE KNICKS THE KNICKS THE KNICKS BEAT THE METS, ANOTHER WORLD SERIES FOR RUDY GIULIANI LOWER EAST SIDE ZOHRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN.

All I’m sayin’ is, how did Zohran win? That famous New York Central Park.