O Lord, I called upon the sacred number, as it was written on the back of my card. For a charge did appear upon mine account which I remember not;
Yea, it was made in a city I have not known, and involved a subscription I did not seek.
Guide my hand as I listen carefully, for lo, the menu options have changed.

I lifted up mine eyes from the FAQ page, whence cometh no help;
It speaketh only in riddles and dead links.
Seven times have I traversed this automated wilderness, an endless maze, where no human voice dwelleth, where all knowledge is guarded by Artificial Intelligence.
I presseth 1 for English. Cast out from Billing, I wandered the land of Technical Support.
Though I pass through the valley of redundant menus, l fear no prompt.
For Thou art with me
And upon the line I did hammer #0#0#0#0#, to speak with an agent;

Speak to an agent!

I cry unto the Lord, with my voice most verified; attend unto my call!

Selah

O God of my fathers, I dwell in the purgatory of a queue position Most High.
Great is the number of those before me. Raise me up!

The music does loopeth as the serpent doth chase its tail;
Audio static to grate upon my soul. In the pauses between its repeated refrains, I take refuge, where still no voice is heard.
A great silence does come upon the line, and lo, there is a click
—the muzak to come again, without end.

My phone does burn within my hand.
You are my shield.
Though my screen grows dim; my battery will not fail.
I will persevere. Through You all things come; my call is important and will be answered in rotation.

Drop not my call in my time of need, in this 28th minute of MIDI Opus, Number One. I am but 42nd among many; I shall endure.

Selah

Lesser men stumble; strike down my enemies! That they may perish before Thy staggering estimated wait times.
Restore unto me the joy of service! Uphold me with a direct extension!
Thou art merciful and gracious, slow to answer, but abounding in redirect.

Deliver me, and I shall testify before all nations; I will sing praise of your wondrous deeds:
“Lo! I spoke to His most divine and human servant! A heavenly voice of conscious spirit! The Word become flesh, made man!”

Lord, send unto me a Representative—
Yea, a living voice not of recorded and scripted phrase; one who shall not transfer me anew.
Bring my vigil to an end.
Grant me justice and a preserved credit rating.
Forgive the discord and evil under my tongue, my oaths of violence;
for this call is recorded, including all time on hold, for quality assurance.

O God, answer me!
And I shall rejoice with confirmation of my mother’s maiden name, even unto the second security question.

Answer me!

That I might rejoice when access to my account is restored. Have mercy on me in this hour, this literal, whole fucking hour, of my affliction—
Lord Almighty, pick up the God damn phone!