Honey, I Shrunk the Kids Again, And This Time I’m Not Unshrinking Them until You Promise Not to Leave Me
Don’t worry, I’ve left them with enough food to last several weeks, which in this case is a bottle cap of water and a couple of croutons.
Don’t worry, I’ve left them with enough food to last several weeks, which in this case is a bottle cap of water and a couple of croutons.
Your dating game plan is dogshit. I haven’t seen an operation this shit-tier since my first job at Southwestern Louisiana A&M Poly Tech State.
Listen, we’ve all been there. Relationships aren’t all grapes, private lyre performances, and lounging like statues in an acropolis.
Let our four-legged friends teach you about their traditions, long history, or the way to make the best apple cider you've ever had (a Branbury guarantee).
Brick, 47, screaming Mets fan and Chester, 42, crying Jets fan: These two brilliantly built their own empires, but still make time for each other.
Hey, Maggie, I’ll cut right to the chase. Please, Maggie, confirm that you’ll see me at Miller’s Tavern tonight at 8 p.m.
You have a personality. Other girls don’t. They have no personality. They aren’t funny and they have no hobbies or interests to speak of.
The farmer at the pumpkin patch is threatening to stop selling me any more pumpkins because he thinks what I’m doing is “fucked up.”
Is it so terrible that I want transparency? And the permanent ability to login to his Twitter whenever I'm feeling a little fucking insane?
Unfortunately, even if I found the perfect pair of running shoes and I was the fastest man in the world, I wouldn’t be able to outrun the truth.
"Yeah, it’s cool, I’ll just lay here—lie here?" I’ll mutter, as you clamber out of your, I don’t know, 2012 Ford Fusion, with a Phish decal.
Simon says stomp your feet like you’re crushing all the couples who won’t invite you to their dinner parties, because they think you'll feel awkward.