First of all, let me set the record straight here. I don't give two shits about Britney Spears or any of the various people she has living in her fucking demented brain. I absolutely DO have my opinions about her singing talent, career turns, beaver shots, and family issues, but I don't think she deserves the time it would take me to write about them.

Here's what I do care about though when it comes to Britney Spears or any of the other show pony artists that are for some reason ridiculously idolized: the fact that common sense seemingly leaves normal people's bodies the same way that freaky ass evil stuff, in The Green Mile, leaves John Coffey. In Perth, Australia, people who spent anywhere from $200-$1,500 got up and left Britney's concert because she was lip syncing and not dancing as well as she did a decade ago. Seriously, what is wrong with you fucking people? If you have that much money to throw away and zero common sense, then just send your money directly to me. Rest assured, I'll put it to good use…okay, let's just say better use.

You don't even want to get me started on the fact that paying that much money to see a washed up, train wreck, pop star instantly makes you way more bat shit crazy than Britney herself—and that's saying something. Hey I get it though, you paid your money and you expect to see a good show. But perhaps you can at least admit that you went in with unrealistic expectations. For example, she lip syncs while she dances. Hey, Brainiac?! Can you sing while dancing around, jumping, being lifted in the air, climbing out of cages, or doing whatever the hell else she does at these ridiculous shows? The answer is NO! You know why I know that about you? You're a fucking human being and not some kind of an alien, that's why!

Britney Spears in jewels
"Yes, I lip sync, but that was my real crotch!"
It's like you people don't actually have bodies of your own or something. In the best shape of my life I couldn't take a few flights of stairs without breathing just a little heavier than I did when completely at rest. So why exactly is it that you expect people to sing EXACTLY the same whether they're dancing around like a spaz or sitting on a stool in a sound studio? Do you live in this freaking world of ours or what?

Furthermore, I know of almost NO bands or singers that sound exactly the same in the sound studio as they do out of it, yet the public demands to hear the song exactly the way they hear it on their iPod. When the "artists" try and deliver this ridiculous expectation to the fans in the only way possible (a pre-recorded track) then the public starts the "Milli Vanilli Charlatan Cries," complete with pitchforks and torches. Milli Vanilli had their Grammy revoked not because they were just lip syncing but because the lead vocals on the record were not even the voices of Fab Morvan and Rob Pilatus. Yet, twenty years later, anyone caught lip syncing is immediately and globally attacked whether they compensate by doing a hoedown dance or not.

Ashlee Simpson face lift changesFor the record, making a complete and total jackass of yourself, on national television, is still technically doing what the viewers expect of people on SNL, so props for "keepin' it real" Ashlee, with your hilarious hoedown. However, you lose all street cred for going from smokin' hot, angsty, adorable, wannabe punk girl with jet black hair and nails…to blonde, vapid twit with a nose job in an attempt to recover from an incident that countless other artists are guilty of, just too chicken shit to admit. Next time just expose all those fucking cowards along with the entire music industry for all their bullshit and go down in history as a legend, instead of blaming it on your band, severe acid reflux, or my personal favorite excuse of all time, your daddy.

Frankly, the lip syncing doesn't piss me off at all, because I'm not deluded enough to think that what is playing on my iPod is their actual voice either. What pisses me off is the ignorant public backlash against lip syncing followed by anything from complete denial to bullshit excuses from the artists. Every major artist who merges high energy dance routines and singing must lip sync, and if you're an artist who claims that you don't then you're a fucking liar. If you're a fan and you think this isn't going on at every show where they're dancing their hearts out, then you are just a freakin' moron. Madonna is doing high kicks and crazy leaps through the air yet she is barely out of breath and manages to hit every note in the song?! Beyonce has extensive dance routines that last several minutes, yet the beginning of the song sounds exactly the same as the end of the song?! How many live award shows have we all seen where the song is playing and R&B artists are doing nothing more but running around mumbling incoherent single words into their mics?!

Kevin Bacon dancing in a warehouse
Wait, isn't it, "You put your feet on the ground"??
To claim you aren't lip syncing because you DID actually manage to sing one of the words that happens to be part of the lyric sheet doesn't mean you weren't lip syncing for the rest. You get NO respect from me for denying it or making lame excuses for it, but you would earn my respect if you told your ignorant fans the truth, which is simply that you don't have super bionic vocal powers while you're dancing like Kevin Bacon in an abandoned warehouse.

All I'm saying is, I think the average person is holding these types of artists to unachievable, unhuman standards, regardless whether they're train wrecks or not. Britney is a horse show of ass-shaking and skimpy costumes, not singing. No one, and I mean NO ONE, would go to go see this woman, dressed in sweat pants and a hoodie, sitting on a stool in front of a microphone, singing the song the same way she did in a studio BEFORE it was put through digital enhancement devices and software. David Copperfield dressed in all black levitating a rose
This is total bullshit, we all know he has a body!
There is no way in HELL that sitting in a studio singing will EVER sound the same as running around on stage shaking your ass, flashing your crotch, and THEN trying to sing. To get all uppity and offended that she's lip syncing on stage is no different than walking out on David Copperfield because he isn't ACTUALLY fucking magical. You're going to a show, nothing more, and to think otherwise not only makes you completely stupid but borders on the insane.

So to those 200 plus people of Perth Australia who walked out of the show and demanded their money back, I sincerely hope you DO get your money back, ‘cause then maybe you could use it to buy a fucking clue!

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