If you've been reading my column over the years, you've learned some important things about women: how slutty they can be, how to compare them to food, the fact that they really do fall for assholes, and why I get laid by them. But I've never written about how to be a good boyfriend.
Perhaps because I've never been one.
Well, over the last few years, thanks to a court-appointed psychiatrist and a very understanding probation officer, I have mellowed and settled down. And I have learned exactly what it takes to keep a woman happy in a a long-term relationship.
Now, only you can decide if the chick you're with is worth keeping and I'm not here to list out compatible personality types and tell all you water sign people to avoid other water sign people or whatever those idiot astrology believing chicks tell you, but I have figured out some ways to keep your girl happy while not (completely) sacrificing your manhood.
Here now are some pieces of advice that will make it much easier to keep your girlfriend happy enough to gladly keep going down on you with regularity. No need to thank me. Our Lord Jeebus put me on the planet to help. And as we all know, that's why I'm here.
Dealing with Complaints
One of the smartest things anyone ever told me about women came from a Cuban refugee who did nine years in a Cuban prison and has been married for twenty: "When women aren't complaining about what they have, they are talking about what they want." That's women for you. Years of Women's Right Movement propaganda has not removed from them the feeling that they deserve stuff they didn't earn. They're like kids like that. And so, to make them happy, you must make sure to listen to their complaints, surprise them with gifts, and do whatever is in your not-really-inconvenienced power to make them happy. This includes dinners and little gifts and cute emails and constantly saying, "I love you" when what you really mean is, "What can I say to shut you up?"
The trick to dealing with their complaints is to sympathize, remember what they bitched about, and then surprise them with a solution at least a few days later. Do not solve their problems right away because a) you'll make them mad for easily resolving their alleged suffering and b) they'll come to expect you to solve every dumbass problem they have. And no one wants that. So wait to fix their problems. Let them bitch for a few days or weeks. They'll find something to complain about anyway. Might as well let them drone on about a thing or to you can actually fix. And anyway, listening to them bitch is better than listening to them bitch about you, which they will do. Incessantly.
Dealing with Nagging
Women nag. They can't help it. It's who they are. Men don't nag; they deal with problems until the problems become so big that they fall into the arms of another chick that nags. And the cycle repeats itself. Even if you are in love, it's best to let the women nag you just a little. You can make sly comments about the nagging, even thank them for it sarcastically, but after a while, you will find the nagging has grown constant and that your woman thinks she is in total control of you. And that's when you pop off like ninety M-60s in a grease fire.
You see, if you argue or try to discuss every issue she has, you will never enjoy each other's company. That's why it's best to just blow off a few nags and tell her you love her. Let her keep at it for a couple of days. Don't argue. Don't even fight it. And then, one day when she least expects it, go fucking batshit crazy.
After they've been telling you how to drive, how to dress, how to act and how much to drink for a few days, wait until you're doing something innocuous, like, for example, baking brownies. Wait for her to say something naggish like, "I think you're putting way too much sugar in those brownies" and then snap.
Scream, "You know what?! Why don't you come bake these fucking things if you're so damned concerned about them?! You've been bitching about every little fucking thing for weeks and I'm starting to think you'd be better off with whoever the hell can put up with that nonsense."
Here is where you pause to throw something across the kitchen and break a dish or two.
"If you know how to do every fucking thing then I'd prefer you just do it and shut the fuck up about it."
At this point, the woman will think about all the nagging she's done over the past couple of days and all of you're very polite and well-mannered responses, realize she has a stable and calm man who may have a bit of a mean streak, apologize profusely, and then spend the rest of the evening licking brownie batter off your body. The sex that follows is always good and the woman gets a dose of introspection. It's not so much about picking your battles as it is about picking when to battle. Women will do almost anything to make up for it when they think they're the evil one in the relationship. But they'll also do just about anything to win an argument. That's why I've found this motto to be the best: Only argue on rare occasions, but when you do, freaking snap.
As the man says, if you're gonna risk a penalty, you may as well break someone's leg.
The Little Things
And then there's all the crap that simply must be done to keep women happy on a daily basis: sending them little reminders that you love them, finding things that remind them of you and telling her about them, not fucking their friends, not being so drunk you don't remember the previous night, and of course, the all important avoidance of any conversation where you could possibly, for one second, suggest that she does not look great.
Really it's not that hard. As long as you time your freak outs, minimize your arguments, remind her that you love her, allow the nagging and complaining to a point, solve some problems after a time, stay sober-ish, and don't fuck her friends, a good woman will stay with you forever.
Once again, no need to thank me. I'm here to help.