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I Know What Love Is
By staff writer Nathan DeGraaf
October 11, 2006
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Brick: Lately, I’ve been quantifying emotional experiences fiscally.
Nathan: So, you’ve been putting dollar signs on your emotions.
Brick: Kind of. It’s like, you know my dog?
Nathan: We’ve met.
Brick: Yeah, well I love my dog five grand.
Nathan: I don’t get it.
Brick: If it would cost more than five grand to save my dog’s life, I’d just have him put to sleep.
Nathan: What about me? What would you pay to keep me alive?Brick: Hmm… not much.
Love is a tricky thing to define. Fortunately for you, you don’t need to. You’ve got me and I’ve got a column. Now, some
people will tell you that no humor columnist can pound out a few words in a few minutes and accurately define love. Some people can fuck off. I’m doing it.
Anyway, because segues and me mix like oil and fire, I will now clumsily transition to the body of this work (hint: it’s about defining love).
Love for Humanity in General
Now, by love for humanity in general, I do not mean pity for every panhandler or shithead that wants a dime. I mean love for your fellow
strangers on this here chunk of spinning dirt. You should love people you do not know (or respect) enough to avoid murdering or raping. Anything else is really your
call.
"If you’re dedicating your life to a person, you should be willing to dedicate half of everything you have."
Love for Your Casual Acquaintances
Casual acquaintances are the people you see with regularity, occasionally converse with, and possibly even know by name. You should love your casual acquaintances enough to
buy them a few beers and perhaps a sandwich or a few pizza slices.
Love for Your Casual Friends
Your casual friends are people you drink with, watch football with, and are generally entertained by. You should help these guys out when the
shit hits the fan and maybe spend a maximum of $50 on them at a sitting. If they need bail money, you should try to raise it, but don’t take the entire burden on
yourself because it’s not like you really know these people. I mean, y’all are casual.
Love for Your Best Friends
If you have the money, you should use it to bail your best friends out of jail. (Also, you should always help your best friends move.) If
they end up in the hospital or some other drastic shit happens, you should probably cough up a couple hundred to see their way clear. Also, don’t fuck their sisters or mothers. It’s just not nice.
Love for Your Spouse/Fiancée
The way I figure it, if you’re dedicating your life to a person, you should be willing to dedicate half of everything you have. I mean,
it’s what they’ll get if they divorce your ass anyway.
Love for Your Family
Assuming they didn’t beat the shit out of you with regularity, abandon you in a dumpster, or kill your spouse, fiancée or best
friend(s), you should give these people all you got. Provided
they truly need it. I mean, no need to be an enabler, here.
So there you go. Philosophers and scientists have tried to quantify and define love for hundreds of years and I just did it in a few minutes.
This just goes to show that I am a genius and philosophers and scientists are jackasses. What can I say? I’m just that good.
Now, if you’ll excuse me, it’s time for me to work on that nagging world peace problem.
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11 Comments
Nate, if any internet columnist can solve the world peace problem in a matter of minutes, my money might just be on you. I suspect the words beer (domestic and import, its for world peace after all) and blowjob to all be frequently involved in it.
Where do girl friends fit in this heiarchy? Granted, if you think about it this could depend on the level of the relationship.
Bravo! Hella good, accurate, definitive, and to the fucking point! Love it!
that was a very fair assessment . But what about God?
I WANNA KNOW WHAT LOVE ISSSSSS
-Foreigner
MIGHT AS WELL FACE IT YOU'RE ADDICTED TO LOVE
-Robert Palmer
Two 80s songs that are very close to your last two article titles...coincidence?
Either way, nice job on the article here, sir.
*-Your lovechild-*
thanks for clearing that up.
Amanda, you're welcome.
Thanks Nick, and the music thing is a coincidence, I hate both of those bands and didn't title the drug article (our editing staff did that).
Lisa, what about God? I don't underatand the question.
Thanks Matthew.
I defined how much you love women in my Cumming to the Truth article a few weeks ago, Marsumane.
Thanks Rory. I'm sure alcohol and blowjobs are pivitol to world peace.
nate im living proof ass holes can reach a broader audience..im a urban black male educated but still hood and i cant get enough of your columns...so wats good i kno u prolly dont take request but how do u feel about MYSPACE....HOLLA
I know this has nothing to do with this article, but on your blog when discussing the "MLB Email exchange" did you not at one point say that this season needed a death? I take it you heard about the pitcher who had the problem with the highrise in the way of his plane? You were the first person I thought of when I heard the news.
Dinero, glad you enjoy the columns. I will not be writing a piece on My Space. I would direct your request to Justin Rebello, but I think he's already done one. I could be wrong here, though.
Erinn, you're giving me a little too much credit (and thanks for being one of the few females to actually read the email exchange). Rebello asked me to name what would be the biggest sports story ever to come out of a post season series and I said it would require the death of a superstar mlb player on the field. And, because we're here, I just want to take this opportunity to tell every person with too much money this little fact:
"You're not a fucking pilot!"
Thanks for reading and commenting, guys.
what about love for yourself?