Anyway, I had like my umpteenth VD scare recently and decided to pick a girl and make another attempt at monogamy. This girl is not interested in this website, so we probably won’t get the kind of interaction we had the last time I tried this monogamy shit with Amy. And for that I say: thank fucking God.
Much like an Ivy League student or Alex Willen, I have goals this time around. I’m gonna try and be a better boyfriend than ever before. There are some things I need to work on though. And with your help and the help of a trained psychologist, and perhaps with a little help from some of the people in my life, I am going to try to work on my personality. Stay with me now people, and you can help me become a better human being. I mean, I know what I’m supposed to do here, but I just don’t know how.
"I have to stop getting shitfaced unless I’m hanging out with the fellas."
What kind of format should we use for this column? Oh, I know. Let’s try a list. No humor writers do lists. Gee, I wonder why.
My Mouth
Since I can remember, my biggest problem is my mouth. I’m loud, often obnoxious, and just generally prone to saying the wrong thing at the wrong time. For example, last night when Lila finally forgave me for my recent improprieties and decided to try the relationship thing, we actually had the following conversation:
Me: So, this relationship thing. We’re just gonna see where it goes?
Lila: Exactly.
Me: So, we’re still fucking other people, right?
Lila: No, you jerk. We are definitely not fucking other people.
Me: This is gonna be tough.
Lila: You’re amazing, you know that?
Me: Thanks.
I’ve got a lot to learn about thinking before I speak. If I can just remember to do that, I think I’ll be okay. But I drink a lot and it’s hard to think before you speak when you drink a lot. Oh yeah, drinking…
I Drink Too Much
This is real simple. To borrow from Stan from South Park, “You just need to drink less.” But more than that, I have to stop getting shitfaced unless I’m hanging out with the fellas. ‘Cause I don’t give a shit if I say the wrong thing around them. Drinking also leads to casual sex, which is another problem I’ve had with relationships.
Faithfulness
I’m not very good at being faithful. I have this tendency to see a nice ass or pair of tits and my head starts swimming and I can’t think of anything else so I lie about who I am and what I do for a living and I end up waking up in some strange bed with some chick who thinks I can advance her aspiring modeling career or show her my horse stables. I can be a scumbag like that. I have no idea how I’m gonna work on this, but I think I’ll be staying in a lot more. After all, I’m an internet writer. It’s high time I started acting like one.
So uhh…what is World of Warcraft anyway? I’ve noticed the guys who play that never get laid. Maybe that’s the key. Beyond that though, I should probably also look into generosity.
Gifts
I forget what movie it was, but it had Melanie Griffith in it. And in that movie she said that girls and gifts are practically the same word. I never buy chicks stuff. Perhaps I should start.
After I’ve sobered up, watched my mouth, improved my generosity, and stopped going out and chasing random tail, I’ll still have a long way to go. I’m good for a two or three month relationship every couple of years, so I guess it’s time to try it again.
Wish me luck.
Oh, and wish Lila luck while you’re at it. She’s the one who needs it.
Your help with this would be much appreciated. And I hope this column finds you well. And if this column doesn’t find you well, at least we can both rest comfortably in the knowledge that your shitty mood is probably not my fault.
Yeah, I’m not off to a good start, am I?
