Suzanne: Give me one good reason why I should suck you off.
Nathan: Because practice makes perfect.
Suzanne: Yeah, my practice makes your day perfect.
My three favorite things on planet earth are blowjobs, red meat and professional sports. Of those three, blowjobs are my favorite (like you didn’t see that coming). So, because it’s a Points in Case rule that there must be a numbered list in 70% of all columns written annually, and because my personal contract with this website dictates that I be vulgar 75% of the time, and because I really love oral sex, I have decided to list and rate my five favorite blowjobs.
(Side note: I have never been happier as a writer than I am right now. I wrote the word “blowjob” three times in my introductory paragraph and I’m pretty sure the column will still get published. That’s why your forefathers fought and died for this country, people. That’s right, so I could write “blowjob” over and over again.)
And on with the best of the blowjobs. Drum roll please…
5. Sarah and the Wake and Suck
One of my first girlfriends was also my ride to school. One morning, she awoke in my bed to discover my morning wood. I guess she found it inspiring, because she proceeded to go to town on my king and crown. While she was applying her expertise, my alarm went off. I went from dreaming about getting oral sex from my girlfriend to actually getting oral sex from my girlfriend. Such serendipity almost always leads to revelation, but this was even better. This was revelation plus orgasm. Tough to beat, but I had four better.
4. The Fat Chick who Really Cared
In college, around the corner from my apartment, lived a chubby girl named… okay, so I don’t remember (what are you gonna do—take my birthday away?). What I do remember is that my roommate let her go down on him, and after I made fun of him, he told me that she had provided him with (and I quote), “some upper tier fellatio.” Well, I can’t let a phrase like “upper tier fellatio” go un-researched. Turned out he was right. She stayed on me forever, demanded nothing for herself, and really really knew what she was doing. Between that and her offers to clean my apartment and make my food, she was quite the catch. Too bad I had eyesight, though. Really hurt her chances.
3. The Bitch Who Couldn’t Say “I’m Sorry”
In college, this stuck up bitch named Jennifer (you never forget the names of the hot, stuck up bitches) intentionally threw me under the metaphorical bus (I’ll spare you the details of a petty squabble), and all I wanted in return was a measly apology (because this chick never apologized for anything on the grounds that she was a total cunt). I hounded her for weeks and eventually got her alone in her kitchen. It was there, in her kitchen, where she said that she never apologizes to anyone for anything. “That,” she said, “is what blowjobs are for.” She then dropped to her knees and proceeded to apply one of the best hummers I ever received. The best part was, after she swallowed (note: all the chicks on this list swallowed—you don’t make the top five for nothing), she said to me, “There, now don’t you ever mention that bullshit again,” and walked away with her stuck up face in the air, as if she had just sent back a plate of lukewarm veal and was headed to a jewel encrusted restroom to powder her nose. I never would have guessed that prissy little bitch would have been such an emotionless, diabolical suck-bot. Goes to show you never know and all that.
2. Game Winning Blow Job!
The only reason Jamie’s blowjob is on this list (besides the fact that she swallowed) is because I watched the Tampa Bay Buccaneers kick a game-winning field goal on TV right when she finally got me to cum. For those of you who wonder what it feels like to watch your team win at the exact moment you climax, read the next lines really fast: Yes! Yes! Yes! Oh shit! Yes! Yes! Oh my God! Is it good? Is it good? We win! I came! If I had a Porter House right now this would be heaven. Thank you, Jesus.
1. Two Hours in the Freezing Cold
A girl I dated named Mindy once sucked me off for two hours while it snowed on us in a West St. Louis park. Take note, all you underachievers out there: she stayed on her knees for two hours in five inches of snow in below-freezing weather. Let that be a lesson to some of you women. You see, there are always women who are willing to do it, and some are even so dedicated to and take so much pride in their oral crafts that they will not stop until their men are happy. No matter what. Hats off to you Mindy. You’re tops in my book, er, column.
As I mentioned before, my favorite things on planet Earth are blowjobs. I am sure every other heterosexual male agrees with me. With that in mind, I leave the women of America with two very important messages. First, to all the women who have ever fellated me, and who are willing to fellate others: I thank you; all men thank you; we love you. And second, to all of you girls who find blowjobs to be disgusting, are unwilling to swallow, and consider fellatio to be a menial task, all I can say is: for shame, for shame; you give American women a bad name.