Vegas Inventions: Making Sin City Even Better
Yep, time for more inventions. Only this time, they're not for you bratty college kids. They're for the bratty shitbirds who visit Las Vegas. It's true. The City of Sin has a lot of everything. 24/7 drinking. No open container law. A strip club on every block. Lax drug rules. All-you-can-binge-and-purge buffets. Pretty lights. Indoor cigarette smoking. Fat tourists walking around and losing their mortgage payments. Even Eurotrash saying, "Tsk tsk. The Monte Carlo on the Thames is much classier than this."
But this is America! The country where just Red Bull or just vodka wasn't enough; we had to mix them together for the greatest drink of all time! Then we made Red Bull vodkas better with just a few dashes of 5-Hour Energy. The point is, I'm confident we can make Sin City even better. So I did some market research and found ways to improve this wonderful den of debauchery.
Before and After Photos at the Airport
Everybody loves vacation pics. I know I do. But I also know on the flight there I thought I was going to bankrupt Vegas with my genius gambling and free-drink drinking skills. I wish you could have seen my face as I stepped into that glorious desert with a million-dollar grin on my face and my nicest thrift store blazer ready to ante up and party down. Guess what? I was wrong. Dead wrong. Dead fucking wrong. Dead fucking broke wrong. So wouldn't it be nice to juxtapose my face as I arrived at the airport as a future big winner with the departure photo of me dreading my credit card statements and my parents' reaction to me asking for money to pay rent next month?
Exactly! Who WOULDN'T want to see that? After a few hundred before and after photos, it could be a coffee table book. And maybe it would be a lesson to all those wannabe Rat Packers.
Black Flag Stripper Repellent
Sometimes, you just don't want to be harassed by erotic dancers giving you the hard sell for "something a little extra special in the back champagne room." That's when this handy dandy aerosol comes into play. You see, pepper spray and Mace don't work against strippers; they've already cried all their tears. So you need something stronger. Like Raid. But on steroids.
KC's Superbrilliant Crap You Don't Want to Carry FedEx Service
So you're walking down the strip. You're carrying your ID, cell phone, smokes, pack of gum, fifteen condoms, baseball cap, camera, significant other's photo, family heirloom piece of jewelry, and some more crap. All that shit is clogging your pockets and slowing your swagger. And you certainly don't want to take pairs of your dirty undies home on the plane with you.
How about this? Stop into one of KC's FedEx stores and just overnight ship all that crap back to your boring regular apartment. Then you can enjoy Vegas without worrying about losing your great-grandmother's Holocaust ring or feeling guilty about banging a twenty-dollar hooker while your smiling girlfriend's picture sits in your back pocket. How about it? Guilt-free genius!
Morning After Suicide Pill
So you blew your entire 401K betting on black at the roulette table. Or you spent your kids' college tuition on a girl named Jasmine. Or you banged a dude, which isn't really a big deal, but you tossed the gigolo an extra thirty bucks so that bus of schoolchildren could watch. You messed up. Big time.
Fret not! Just swallow this tasty little pill of arsenic, Zyklon-B, and Paris Hilton saliva to fall asleep, and in no time you'll be sitting at Saint Peter's Gate, for a brand new party!
Personal Pre-Pool Party Prep
Are you pale and fat? With yellow teeth? Gross. Those hot sexy singles sitting at the pool will want nothing to do with you! Shit! You should have worked out and fake baked before stepping into the Rehab Pool. Now those chicks are pointing and laughing at your back—which looks like a quart of cottage cheese with hair sticking out of it.
Fear no more! Just slip into any Personal Pre-Pool Party Prep location. We'll liposuction you! We'll whiten your teeth! We'll tan you! We'll even electrocute all those unsightly hairs from your shoulders! And, for only $9.95 more, we'll even thread your eyebrows. You'll be turning heads poolside in no time, and the ladies will think, "I wonder if he's a stuntman for that werewolf-guy in Twilight..."
Smarty Pants' Club Stereo Hacker
Are you tired of techno? Want to see women go fucking crazy-go-nuts?!?! Of course you do! You're in Vegas! So dial in your Smarty Pants' Club Stereo Hacker. Now you can play the song that makes every chick in the club dance like her ass is about to fall off... Beyonce's "Single Ladies." Yes, this hacker bursts right into the deejay's booth and plays the entire "Single Ladies" song. Have you ever been around women during that song? They go bonkers! The crazier they go, the bigger the chance they're single. The bigger the chance they're single, the bigger your chance at getting laid!
Unfortunately, Mr. Smarty Pants' Club Stereo Hacker only plays this one Beyonce song. But with all the insanity you'll experience, it's the only song you'll need! Order now and we'll give you a free Which Girls' Booty Can I Grab on the Dance Floor? Tracker. Have you ever wondered who you can goose and who you can't? Fret no more, gentle buyer. This will solve all your problems.
Instant ID Theft
Wow. How much money did you spend last night? Wait, you were there for an entire three-day weekend? Ouch. Plus you paid for a plane ticket and hotel? And you didn't even get a comped buffet? Extra ouch. That's going to be pricey.
How about this? Why don't we just make a phone call to a less-than-reputable Russian gangster. He'll send your credit card information, social security number, and PIN to his buddies in the old country. And they'll go even CRAZIER with your funds. That way, you can call MasterCard, Visa or American Express (fuck Discover) and inform them your identity was stolen. Problem solved. You just have to sit through eons of customer care phone calls, insurance agents, and some sketchy Russian mob guys having permanent access to your goods.
Sure you could use this Personal Recorder/Forgetter to remember all those hilarious quotes your friends said or to forget that stupid wife and kids back home, but what's the practical purpose? Here's an example from my real life that will show you the REAL purpose of this life-changing product...
Fuck! What was that girl's name? The one in the white tank top? The one that if she said, "I really like guys with stumps for hands" I'd go back to my room, get a chainsaw, and lop off my hand for her? SHIIIIIIIIT!
Oh, I'll just reach in my pocket for my Sony Personal Recorder. YES! Her name is Penny. Oh farts! There's that girl I banged last night in the servants' quarters of the Palms. Wow. Nice daisy dukes on that girl. Wait? Is that...? Oh my goodness! How did I miss that last night? That chick has balls!!! Well, let me just grab my Sony Personal Forgetter. Problem solved. I mean, I know there was something wrong, but now I don't remember. But that superhot Thai chick in jean shorts is starting to get me antsy in my pantsies...
Los Angeles to Las Vegas Bullet Train
That's right. It's just a bullet train from LA to Vegas. Have you ever been on I-15 on a Sunday trying to get back to LA so you can feel "normal" again? Then you know exactly what I'm talking about. How fucking simple is that?
But WAIT! There's more!