Pornstar Post-Breakup Emails
Author's Note: Adult film stars are just like you and me. They eat meals, go to work and even break up with each other. I managed to get my hands on some of the separation emails. I hope you enjoy.
Look, like I told u. It just isn't going to work out between us. You never listen. Yesterday on the set of "Dick Hungry Sluts in Dallas" I said, "That's the spot! Cum on my face you big fucking stud." Then you blasted my tits. Totally not what I wanted. It's over.
I thought we had a good thing going. We fucked other people for work, but always fucked each other each night after work - sometimes we brought other people in, but it was working well. I helped pay for your new tits, and we both enjoy them. I think I deserve another chance.
RE: The jizz misplacement. I've been in the porn industry for fifteen years now and not even I know where my sperm is going to land. That had nothing to do with you or my inability to take direction. It's just a fact. Believe me, I'd always rather cum on your face.
Still thinkin' of u,
P.S. Actually, the aforementioned off-target money shot was during "Cock-Sucking Queens in Paris," not "Dick Hungry Sluts in Dallas." Remember, you were wearing that beret I helped pick out?
Oh yeah, I forgot about the beret. I blow so many dudes, it's hard to keep track.
Anyways, I told you, it's not going to happen again. I'm sure our paths will cross again to reprise our roles for the next installment of "SuperSpy SuperSeXXX" series.
To be completely honest, I met somebody new on the set of "Giant Black Dicks Spatter Tits on White Chicks: Part 38." His name is Tyrone. I'm sure you know him, he won the "Biggest Cock in Smallest Ass" award two years ago. His stage name is "The Lady-Pleasing Black Oil Pipeline."
I had a really great time during my time with you. I just needed somebody new in my life. Besides, Pipeline says maybe in a few weeks he'll let me get pooped on by him. I think this is a fantastic opportunity and I can't pass it up.
Dear Whore, (I mean that in the most sincere way)
Now you're dating a fucking black guy! What the fuck? Not only that, you're dating Tyrone "The Gay Pipeline"? Everybody knows that guy is a queer! Watch "Hot Guy on Guy Action: Interracial Cowboy Edition." I'm sure you'll enjoy the scene where seven dude ranchers ejaculate in a ten-gallon hat and your new boyfriend guzzles it. They awarded it the "Gayest Cowboy Scene in Porno History Lifetime Achievement."
Well, it is officially over. I don't mind if you fuck African-Americans, other women, other dudes or barnyard animals, but no fucking homosexual men.
Later queer-fucking cunt,
You were right. Tyrone is a fucking homo. After he pooped on me it seemed like every gay man in San Francisco tried to eat it or lick it off of me. Tyrone just laughed and made out with one of his boyfriends as he pissed all over everybody. I've never felt so used. I thought he was the man of my dreams. I now realize you are that man.
Take me back? Wink?
Your true love,
P.S. I had to take, like, 28 showers to get all the cum and shit and piss out of my hair.
Jenna the Brown-Noser,
Too late. I've moved to Eastern Europe. You can legally fuck 12-year-olds here. The market, pay and fringe benefits are amazing. I haven't fucked this many pre-adolescent girls since I was 26.
I hope fecal-fun was enjoyable. Maybe if you can invent a time machine and visit me when you were less of a whore.
I'm sure you can always get pregnant, wear clown makeup and fuck midgets. There's always a market for that.
Nice knowing ya,
Brutus the De-Virginator