Excuses are Like Assholes

KC returns to PIC with plenty of stinkin' explanations.

KC drinks Mickey malt liquor

My beloved PICers! I'm not retired...yet! My schedule rocked and rolled me so hard for the past few months that I just haven't found the time to write. Here are some of my excuses for not entertaining you or giving you reasons to write pissy comments about my work.

At my university, I've given finals, graded finals, posted final grades, and argued with students about final grades. At the same time, I've written a textbook about taking a test, butchered (*ahem* edited) the book, pissed-and-moaned about cutting important lessons, learned I'm not the boss, and then dealt with the losses. Then edited the effing book again. And probably again.

I actually scored a real-life girlfriend of my own. People treat this news like I've just high-fived a Sasquatch. The ZXCV keys don't function on my laptop, which makes typing incredibly difficult. I don't know how the hell this happened. I never spill on or drop my laptop... maybe it's from playing Spider Solitaire? I suppose using my work computer would be a good substitute, but that would mean actually coming to work, and who wants to do that? I guess I could type on my smartphone, but I absolutely hate doing that, mostly because I spell things wrong more than usual, don't use punctuation, don't capitalize, and don't bother to delete all.the..random..periods.dotted.throughout.my.sentences..

What really threw a wrench in my productivity was that I just took a month-long vacation to the USA to see my mommy, daddy, brothers, family dog, grandma, three ex-girlfriends, and a litany of amazing friends and coworkers. Instead of writing blogs or novels on my time off, I shopped with my mom, caught up with my dad, hung out with my brothers, ate some delicious American cuisine, and drank incredibly heavily with my friends. And I spent a lot of time recovering from hangovers too.

Cereal in America grocery store

On top of that I grew depressed. Why? When I was in LA, the beautiful and talented Ashley Garmany didn't return my multiple Facebook messages, so I didn't get to see her, touch her, receive free coffee from her, or help her create an incredibly beautiful and hilarious love child. Sigh. Maybe next time.

Here's another free-time eater: to the amazement of many, I actually scored a real-life girlfriend of my own. People treat this news like I've just high-fived a Sasquatch or gotten into a fender bender with a UFO. My friends and family ask, "Do you REALLY have a girlfriend???" to which I nod my head, roll my eyes, and say, "Yes, I really do. Want to see photos of us together?" Then I show the curious few some snapshots of my significant other and me. Then my dillweed friends say, "Whoa! She's so pretty! I didn't, um, really, um, expect that, um, a girl like that, would, uh, go out, um, with you."

To add to that amazement, I do my best to be the greatest boyfriend in the world. How do I do that? Well, even though I pour my heart and soul and professional secrets onto PIC for my millions of adoring fans, I'm not about to fess up on how I'm earning my way on the Mount Olympus of Boyfriend History.

I also haven't written in a while because I've kind of been sleeping in or just trying to live my life.

It's tough to be writing when you're reading. I'm a big reader, so I'm always carrying a book around with me. Generally I like all types of stuff, from Hunter S. Thompson to autobiographies to the True Blood books. I picked up Atlas Shrugged for a dollar at a thrift store and that's sucked up my life. I attended a school where the only classics we checked out happened to be Shakespeare and Homer, so I never read the greats like For Whom the Bell Tolls, To Kill a Mockingbird, or books by the Sex and the City author. Anywho, Atlas Shrugged is long and difficult. This one may take more than a few bus rides.

I forgot a lot of the original reasons why I wanted to write this post. I'm getting old and I've been hit on the head a lot of times. All of these cranium wounds cause me to forget the funny stuff in my life, or forget that I even write for one of the funniest websites on the internets (that's this one, you dicks).

So I'm going to return. I'm planning on posting some new stuff here and there. On my blog and on my column. You'll hear more about my vacation, my rowdy Korean kindergarten students, my lazy Korean university students, and probably a lot of drinking stories. If you like them, tell me. If you don't, tell me.

Stay tuned!

You're the best!

xoxoxoxo and hahaha,
kc


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