Top Ten Most Annoying Cell Phone Habits

I have to clear a few things up about cell phone usage with you people. And don't give me that look, because yes, I know this has been written about a million times already, but I have my own way of doing things. From the tweenie flash texter to the geriatric technology handicapped, I have to say that a large majority of you are nothing less then highly irritating with your cell phones. Don't get me wrong, I embrace technology with open arms but there is a difference between "normal usage" and "annoying usage," and unfortunately most of you fall far outside that range and have entered what I like to call "fucktard usage."

So once again, in true PIC fashion, here is a list of cell phone habits, etiquette, and behaviors that make me want to pistol whip you without giving it a second thought.

10. Technology Overload

You have all seen the people that have a pager, a Blackberry, a laptop, and a cell phone in the coffee shop ordering their drink of choice. All of a sudden one of their devices emits an annoying sound, sending them into their best impression of a third base coach—they start molesting themselves and at the same time signal to everyone in the place that they should steal home immediately.

Just because you have diarrhea of the mouth doesn't mean you need to be talking on the phone in the bathroom.First of all, someone will have to explain to me what the hell is the point of having a pager AND a cell phone at the same time. Correct me if I am wrong, but doesn't a cell phone you don't answer then instantly and magically turn into a pager since it displays the number calling you? I understand wanting to stay connected but if you have too many devices on you to answer your phone before I have to hear that annoying song you have set as your ringtone play in its entirety, then you probably have too many.

You may think you look professional and important, but the rest of us think you look completely ridiculous with your utility belt of electronics. Our thoughts are solidified by the spastic seizure you perform when someone tries to contact you on any one of your devices.

9. Speaker Phone in Public

Two people talking on cell phones in public
"I feel like we never communicate!!"
While we are discussing people and technology in coffee shops, we should talk about the guy at the other table talking on his cell's speaker phone while sitting at the table by himself. His mouth is one inch from the phone and he isn't doing anything with his hands that warrants a speaker phone conversation. Why doesn't he just turn off the speaker and use his phone the traditional way?

In all honesty, I don't know what it is that makes this so annoying because if he was sitting across from an actual person that we could see, no one would care about the fact that they were having a conversation we could hear. But something about the fact that he's on the phone AND we can hear both sides of the conversation is so annoying that it travels up my spine and makes me want to go over and extract his spinal column like the Predator collecting his trophy after a kill. Don't even get me started on those Nextel devices with the annoying little chirping sound accompanying each verbal exchange.

8. Bluetooth Headsets Worn All the Time

Captain Picard assimilated into the Borg
"Oh this? Just a little thing my doctor prescribed. Feel free to ignore it."
I understand that these little devices are a convenient hands-free system because there are no wires associated with it, but I think they should be removed when the cell phone isn't being used, not worn 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. I'm sure the schizophrenics out there appreciate them because now they aren't the only ones walking down the street talking to seemingly nobody. However, it freaks me out when I can't see that thing burrowing into your ear like a Ceti eel (from the Wrath of Kahn) and you start talking out loud randomly while in proximity to me.

Also, there is nothing more annoying then having a conversation with someone face to face and having that little light blinking at you. The entire time I'm talking with you I'm on edge, half expecting you to inject my neck with long needles coming out of your hand while muttering, "WE ARE THE BORG, YOU WILL BE ASSIMILATED, RESISTANCE IS FUTILE!"

7. Cell Phone Charms

I know I'm going to catch holy hell about this one from my Asian female friends, but sorry ladies, I'm here to say that cell phone charms are VERY annoying. I want to go on record now and state that I, as a heterosexual male, actually allowed a very dear friend of mine to claim my cell phone's "charm virginity" with a so-called "manly" version of one of these ridiculously annoying trinkets. I was a good sport about it and left it on my phone to make her happy until finally it disintegrated and fell off. She is now currently in medical school and thus unable to re-violate my phone, which is still in therapy due to the sexual identity crisis it developed.

I'm sorry my little Mandarin Orange but I have to say I felt like a freakin' cat for the entire time that accursed thing was on my phone, not to mention having to constantly explain to people why a straight guy had one of them. Sure they can be cute on a woman's phone, but they are absolutely odd on a guy's phone. Going out with a group of women who have these things on their phones is a lot like being in a one horse open sleigh with all the damn jingling going on. I know there are lots of euphemisms, parallels, and metaphors surrounding women and cats but please ladies, can we leave the tiny little bells to the ACTUAL kittens? Don't worry, either way you can still purrrrrrr if you desire to.

6. Cell Phones in the Bathroom

Guy on cell phone while using urinal.
"I call this my stream of conciousness."
Okay, you know who you are and you know you have to stop. I don't want to hear you answer your phone in the public bathroom anymore and I KNOW FOR A FACT that the person you are talking to doesn't want to hear your bathroom noises while talking to you. It is fucking gross that you are handling your phone before washing your hands, not to mention putting it on your face while doing your business behind that stall. If you can't refrain from answering the phone long enough to take a shit then perhaps you need some serious priority adjustments. You may think you have a loophole based on your conversation skills, but just because you have diarrhea of the mouth doesn't mean you need to be talking on the phone in the bathroom.

5. iPhone Zombies

For the record, yes, I have an iPod Touch, but if you know me personally you likely didn't even know it. You know why? Simple, I didn't have it surgically grafted onto my palm after I acquired it. I admit that I wouldn't mind having an iPhone as well, but Father Merrin and Father Karras would need to do an exorcism on it before I started using it.

What is it about owning an iPhone that turns people into mindless zombies? It's like they lose all ability to think for themselves. You can't drive anywhere without them pulling it out and exclaiming with gitty glee that they now have a map on their phone showing you where to go. "IT'S MY FUCKING HOUSE, I KNOW WHERE I LIVE, IPHONE ZOMBIE!" You can't carry on a conversation with them without them whipping it out and Googling whatever you're talking about to check the validity. "IT'S CALLED A CONVERSATION, WHY DON'T YOU LOOK THAT SHIT UP WHILE YOU'RE IN THERE." I swear the second they purchase their iPhone you can almost see their soul being sucked into it like Shang Tsung's Fatality.

4. The Inability to NOT Answer a Call/Chat or Put Your Phone Away

Which brings me to point number four. You social asshats that can't put down your phone/Blackberry while having a conversation with someone in front of you, need your phone shoved in a place where you can't answer it without the assistance of a proctologist. Try for a second to disconnect from your technology and have a real, in-person conversation, or just don't come to lunch, because you're obviously too busy and on the phone.

I have quite literally sat through entire social situations with multiple people laughing their asses off at what is going on at the party/dinner/lunch and there is one person in the group staring down expressionless at his or her phone typing away the whole time. In addition, I have seen people trip over things, run into people, and all-out maim themselves just to get to their ringing phone. You won't die if you let a call go to voicemail, trust me, I do it all the time. I especially hate the beginning of lunches/dinners where everyone sits down and places their phone on the table like I'm being interviewed by a panel of reporters who don't want to miss a quote. If you're having a meal with someone then put your goddamn phone away because you are not fucking Batman waiting for an emergency call from the commissioner.

3. Walking (Or Rather, Not Walking) and Texting at the Same Time

Padded pole on London sidewalk
"Hey, I'm about to lose you, I'm running into a pole..."
I type like Flash Gordon on speed and can bury you all in a chat conversation when I use a regular keyboard due to my wit and response time alone. Although somewhere along the way I never honed the skill of typing on a microscopic keyboard; thus, I can't text worth a shit. I am six feet tall with hands to match, which means when you hand me a tiny little cell phone to text on, my thumb covers almost half of the keyboard. However, I can admit my texting inadequacies and realize that it means I just shouldn't do it out in public on the fly.

What I have noticed though is clearly our brains have a limited technology capacity and it seems that the ability to text on the move has replaced other basic gross motor skills. You have all seen someone walking along, staring down at their cell phone, reading their latest exciting text message. Did you know that in London they are starting to pad the lamp posts to avoid texting related injuries? Aside from the fact that these people should watch where they're going, what is worse is when they come to a FULL STOP to reply to the aforementioned text message. Newsflash, if you can't walk and chew bubblegum at the same time then you shouldn't be walking and texting at the same time either, so just put the phone away and get the hell out of my way.

I have quite literally run into some of these human popsicles frozen in time and I think they should be addressed with the same common courtesy they are expressing toward those around them. They should be hockey checked into the street while exclaiming, "Oh I'm sorry, I didn't see you there, I was looking down texting."

2. Silence Your Cell Phone

Please silence your phone signYou know, this list ultimately always turns into a huge cliche because number two and number one are EVERYONE'S number two and number one. Let's use this time to talk about that for a second though.

The whole world agrees on these last two yet EVERYONE still isn't on board. Please explain to me how you don't know that you are the most annoying person in the room/class/theater/world or that you are totally fine with that little gem of a fact. SILENCE YOUR PHONE! Jesus Christ, they even have it in the previews now at all movie theaters so why the hell is your phone ringing during my (ten dollar a ticket) movie? Maybe you don't think anyone will call you during that time but most of you can't seem to disconnect for a second, which tells me you are TOTALLY expecting that call/text, leaving you zero lame excuses.

Don't tell me you didn't think about it either because your mind is on your phone all the time or I wouldn't have had to create this list in the first place. Grow a brain cell and look around you. See all those other people? These people don't want to hear your phone ringing—your first clue is that they are all turned around and glaring at you. Your phone has a silence/vibrate mode—FIND IT, USE IT, or next time when your phone rings during my cinematic adventure I may feel energized by the on-screen action and jump out of my chair like a freakin' ninja and end your life violently while exclaiming, "I BET THEY CAN'T HEAR YOU NOW!"

1. Driving While Texting (or Holding) Your Phone

Texting on cell phone while driving
Predictive accident technology.
I'm not sure why we even have to talk about this because everyone finds this annoying, even you. I know for a fact that you have been cut off in traffic or almost killed by an idiot driver on the phone and gotten upset at them, yet you still insist on answering the phone while driving. You have a hands-free device, we know you do, so plug it in and use it or simply don't answer your phone. If you're using your speakerphone then don't hold it one inch from your mouth and feel justified, put the phone on your console and trust in technology. The person on the other end is wondering why you are screaming into your phone anyway and bound to hang up soon out of annoyance.

You can't drive and talk at the same time. You may think you can but I'm sorry to have to tell you this but you are an idiot who can barely drive while NOT on the phone. I have been following behind you in traffic for at least two miles and you have almost killed five people in that time. You can't even walk down the street while using your phone, what possibly made you think you can operate a two ton vehicle while doing it? You simpleton asshole, exactly what are you on that makes you think you can text while driving?!? I hate to be the one to break the news to you but I think you should know that every other person on the road is thinking you suck, including the other jackasses on the phone around you in the other cars. Isn't that funny? They think you suck too. God I love irony.

Hang up the phone or when I get done driving, the next call I will make will be to Gillespie—and trust me, you don't want that because he most certainly has a shotgun in his car next to his dry erase board.


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Hahaha, I made you commit #7! I'm quite proud of taking away your cel phone's charm virginity, but sorry for making you feel like a cat! >_< I promise not to do it to you anymore. Or, I'll try.

Andrei Trostel's picture

No worries darlin,
You'll always be my cell phone's first, although he did tell me he wished you stuck around more afterward. ;-)

Gavin Pitt's picture

Most excellent, as always. I've run into numerous people on your list, and they're now stuffed and mounted in my fruit cellar *g*.

btw- #8- the episode of new DOCTOR WHO from the second season that re-introduces the Cybermen, "Age of Steel", features the Cyberleader initially converting people via their bluetooth headsets. When the invasion comes, you can say you warned everyone!

btw- Shang Tsung? You like horror movies, forensics and Mortal Kombat? You are officially the perfect guy! Are you *sure* you're not up for some Aussie gayboy lovin'?! *g*

Andrei Trostel's picture

Thanks Gav,

Yeah, I have trouble trusting anyone with a Borg implant permanently affixed to their ear. I know one day they will all get a signal or something and try and kill us all.

HAHAHAHA, No thank you Gav, I'll pass on the Aussie gayboy lovin, although luckily for you (and me I suppose) you have quite a selection to choose from of "perfect" guys because I don't think I have ever met a guy who hates horror movies, gross shit and video games (especially MK). Try Casey, since his blog name is a MK homage, and he has actually starred in some horror movies. ;-)

Gavin Pitt's picture

[I don't think I have ever met a guy who hates horror movies, gross shit and video games (especially MK]

-This is true, but the whole guy on guy thing tends to be a deal-breaker. Oh, they'll *do* it, but they refuse to cuddle afterwards *g*

[he has actually starred in some horror movies]

-What? Keewl! :puts on smoking jacket and wooing pants:

Gavin Pitt's picture

btw- The Cybermen beat the Borg to the whole assimilation thing by about 30 years, so I don't want any irate Trekkies beating me with tribbles for my comment *g*

John Gillespie's picture

I will gladly accept any request you have to deal with a bad driver, but as long as it's in a manor I see fit.

Andrei Trostel's picture

Hahahaha thanks,
You hear that world?!
You have been warned!

;-)

ROFL!! Thank you so much!! I have been out with friends, my bro's new girlfriend and a potential manfriend who either sit the phone on the table and stare at it out the corner of their eye the whole time, or incessantly text the whole time we're together. I thought I was the socially inept one!

Andrei Trostel's picture

I recently saw a photograph of a group of people playing Monopoly where there wasn't any room on the table for the money, because of all the cellphones taking up space.

Fucking ridiculous.

More annoying cell phone… annoyances

1) People who talk on their cell phones in the check-out line at the store. It’s not so bad if the end the call before getting to the front of the line but some people are so ignorant that they expect everyone to know that their conversation takes precedence over their monetary transaction.

2) When you are trying to warn someone that they’re about to be crushed by a falling piano/safe/boulder they hold up one index finger while they turn away from you. Of course we all know that the index-finger-pointing-upward is the universal indicator of “Wait! I have something more important happening here!”

3) People who think “I was talking on my phone, OKAY?!?!?” is a legitimate excuse for knocking shit over, starting small fires, backing over your dog, etc.

4) Cell Phoneys – people who hold their hand to their ear while pretending to talk on their imaginary phone. Works best if you’re wearing a hoodie and make gangsta signs with your free hand.

5) Going to lunch with your boss. To show how completely unimportant you are your boss makes one phone call after another while at lunch with you. When he finally hangs up you make a comment and he says “Oh no!” You think he’s responding to your comment, but no, he just remembered another call he has to make. After lunch he says that you had better appreciate that he takes the time to talk with you.

MOST RUDE

I took my buddy and his girlfriend sailing. She brought along her girlfriend. That bitch showed up talking on her cell phone and never stopped even while we were out on the sailboat. I said “This is bullshit!” and sailed back to the docks. We dropped her off and sailed away leaving her standing on the dock still yakking in her phone.

I thought “This will be great when she finally realizes she was kicked off the boat and is by herself! Hahaha!” But the joke was one me. A few hours later we sail back to the docks and there she is - still yakking on her phone. She never even noticed that we kicked her off the boat and left her by herself on the docks for a few hours! She talked for at least 7 hours nonstop.

To be in a close intimate setting like a sailboat, or dinner table and never hang-up your cell phone, not for one second, to talk to the people around you is FUCKING IGNORANT.

Andrei Trostel's picture

Hahaha, awesome that you turned the boat around and kicked her off, I would have done the same. I think the joke WAS actually on her because she is empty and vapid and you guys got to enjoy sailing without the ignorant squawk box.

Thanks for reading and putting so much into your comment.
"Cell Phoneys" cracked me up....nice line.

I think that when you walk and text as long as you periodically check where you are going it's ok. I text like that all the time , I guess it's addiction lol....

Andrei Trostel's picture

It's fine until you run into someone/something and then it's murderously fucking annoying.

I am currently working on a presentation for my interpersonnel communication class regarding cell phones Oh boy this was excellent and I now have alot to say!!!!!

Andrei Trostel's picture

I'm glad you enjoyed it. It cracks me up that this piece helped you in an actual class. That's hilarious. I wonder what the professor would think of the source of your research. Haha!

Cellphones should at least be banned from the workplace. I hate my annoying co-workers who mutter seemingly "important stuff" when I need to talk to them, and they keep me on the hold until they have to finish their entire fucking conversations. Bitch, it's the fucking workplace and I deserve your complete fucking attention for the job we are meant to do together. Outside of working hours you can blabber on about your fucking device for all I care.

Seriously, women and metrosexual males are the worst culprits. They seem to have a weird fascination with these expensive iPhone, Samsung Galaxy handsets although they don't understand 99.99% of its technological capabilities and superb features. I use a simple voice-phone right now but would happily purchase an iPhone-like device when there is a REAL NEED, not because I want to flash it across other people's faces.

Also, I don't understand what these attention-seekers are really giggling about, for an HOUR or TWO. What topic could be so deeply engrossing that it keeps you busy on the phone for hours!! And, why do I have to be subjected to your irrelevant conversation anyway? Why don't you all find a nice, private place when you feel the need to gossip?

There are so many people I know of who just wouldn't have a life without a cellphone. You're talking to them something really important and they they get called from some asshole - all they have to do is say "excuse me" and continue with the conversation. Fuck you, your behaviour is certainly not excusable. You're wasting my time and I won't take it lightly.

Also, these people don't care about timing and place, it could be an important meeting, a brainstorming session, a team lunch. Why don't you cunts socialize with real people for a change? Yes, it's called a face-to-face conversation. and no iPhone in the world could substitute the real experience.

And, why are your phones never in silent or vibrating mode. Why do you have to put in the most annoying ringtone for everyone to hear? Show some maturity. You are not the fucking centre of the universe, learn to respect other's right to a silent, peaceful atmosphere.

A conversation between two people is a beautiful thing - unfortunately, this invention called cellphone has ruined it greatly. And to think of it, cellphones are a recent phenomenon. They weren't that common even 10-12 years ago.

I hope someday there is a devastating mobile virus that spreads across and destroys their fucking devices. I want to see them rendered handicapped without their cellphones, say for a whole fucking month.

Andrei Trostel's picture

The only way that I know that I didn't wake up in the middle of the night and type this comment in an unconscious state is that you only want to see them rendered handicapped without their cellphones for a month.

You see, even in an unconscious state, I would have typed "forever."

;)

I am happy to not own a cell phone. It makes me feel free. If I need to get some b.s. off my chest, I'll just facebook it, other than that, I can meditate in peaceful being-ness of existence, when like I was a kid and could daydream about how amazing life is for hours at a time... To be honest, the whole cell phone thing was an astounding marketing drive, and not much more... Now they all own cell phones, but can't even have a conversation face to face with a stranger.

Andrei Trostel's picture

Rain, there is a large part of me that wants to go that route and not own a cell phone also. I almost NEVER make calls, I refuse to text and I don't even have internet on it which is becoming harder and harder since a lot of the newer phones force you to have it in order to have the basic service. The more I think about it, I am really just carrying around a really big, overly complex, band-less watch that I could make an emergency phone call on if I really needed too.

Isn't it funny how they all seem to "think" they are more connected, but have never in their lives been more disconnected?