Dear Lindsey,

I regretfully write you this letter, because while I still care for you very much, it has become overwhelmingly obvious that you have gone completely crazy. I’m not really sure what happened between us, but I do apologize for whatever part I had in it. It was never my intention to hurt you. With that said, I must formally request that this letter be the final chapter of you and I, for it is now apparent that there is no end to how far you will go to seek vengeance.

In response to the complaints that you so eloquently carved into the front door of my house, all I can say is that I never cheated on you. When I said that I wanted to break up with you, that was not a threat, nor something I was prepared to negotiate—I meant it. Yes, I did sleep with Kim like three hours later, but by all definition, we had broken up. Call me an asshole, call me a jerk, but I am not a cheater.

As for the size of my penis, first of all, was that really necessary? While I may not be packing the kind of equipment you write home about, we both know it’s not, and I quote, “a needle dick.” And while I have no hard evidence that you’re the one who smashed the windows on my car, set fire to Mickey’s dog house, spread the rumors that I have VD, and hacked into the school’s computers to drop all my classes (that being my favorite), I can assure you that any further incidences of aggression on your part will only be met with the harshest of consequences.

You see, there is in my possession a video tape, made completely unbeknownst to you, that I would hate to see end up in the wrong hands...especially for a good Christian girl like yourself. I do not wish to resort to such draconian measures, but in all honesty, I am very scared of you now, and the stress of constantly looking over my shoulder is taking its toll.

Respectfully,
Dave

Dear Dave,

I appreciate the civility with which you have approached out little situation, and I will with full faith abstain from any “further incidences of aggression,” though you should know that there are probably three, and possibly as many as five things that I set into motion before I received your letter that have yet to come to your attention. I will not tell you what they are, but I will say good luck and Godspeed.

You should know that I really did love you, and it makes me very sad that things didn’t work out. I’m also sorry about the needle dick thing, but to be honest, we both know how big it really isn’t. Sorry, but that’s the truth. I’m also sorry about your front door, and Mickey’s house. I’ll send you a check to replace both, seeing as how I have money, and you most certainly do not. Besides, Mickey is a nice dog, he shouldn’t have to pay for having such a crappy owner.

Also, for the sake of any other woman who has the unfortunate luck to sleep with you, you really need to work on your technique. Although I think you’re very attractive, you’re absolutely horrible in bed, and you should know that I faked all those "orgasms." I don’t say this to be hurtful, it’s just the truth, and you need to know.

Now, about this video you claim to have. If you really did tape us having sex, that was a terrible thing to do. But what's sadder is that had you just asked, I probably would have let you do it anyway. Just because I go to church doesn't mean I'm a good girl—but for you to have found that out would have required you to actually communicate with me. I would appreciate it if you did keep that tape private, but obviously that would require you to be a nice guy, so I guess I just have to take my chances.

Sincerely,
Lindsey

P.S. You should also know that I loved you so much that for your birthday I had talked Erica into having a three-way with us. But that’s your loss.